Are you snorting enough cocaine?

WELL, are you? Let’s take a look…

When was the last time you snorted cocaine?
A. What am I? Made of money? Plus, all the moral and legal implications of it as well.

B. What did you say? Sorry, I was busy snorting this fat line of cocaine whilst ignoring all the moral, legal and financial implications of it.

Would you like some more cocaine?
A. If I took cocaine then yes, I imagine I probably would.

B. Can you get anymore? Have you actually got some on you? If so, what are you waiting for, get that sh*t out, man. Let me just open the window, take some heavy breaths and then put on Crazy, Crazy Nights by KISS first though.

Do you think you might be addicted to cocaine?
A. If by ‘cocaine’ you mean supporting Plymouth Argyle then yes, I’m totally addicted and I’m getting all the comedowns without any of the highs.

B. “We go crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy nights…”

Mostly As: Sorry to say but you are not snorting enough cocaine. We recommend trading in your support for Plymouth and instead getting on the ole white line to glory.

Mostly Bs: Well done, you’re snorting just the right amount of cocaine and that’s unlikely to change any time soon. And you’re certainly not addicted. Not even slightly.

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Weekend stay with parents shortens man's life by at least four years

A MAN’S life expectancy has been dramatically shortened after spending 48 hours with his parents.

Norman Steele said: “I only get to see my parents a couple of times a year, so I thought it would be a good idea to drop in and surprise them with a flying visit.

“In between dad playing me choice clips from WW2 documentaries he’d recorded to his PVR set-top box, and mum needling me for information about my non-existent love life, I swear I could physically feel my body deteriorating.

“I might as well have smoked half a dozen packs of cigarettes in one sitting. The damage would be the same.

“And don’t get me started on their running commentaries about my friends’ children and house extensions. They can’t even remember my birthday for Christ’s sake.”

Steele’s dad said: “Norman’s our son so we love him unconditionally. But hopefully he got the message not to darken our doorstep again for at least another six months.

“The miserable prick.”