Are your friends with problems actually just idiots?

DO your friends with problems deserve your sympathy, or are they just idiots who won’t stop doing stupid things? Take our test and find out.

Your friend’s landlord won’t do up their dilapidated flat. What advice do you give?

A. Read up on your rights and, if you don’t get anywhere, move.
B. Perhaps stop doing ‘street art murals’ on the walls, initiating petty neighbour feuds about recycling boxes and allowing your French Bulldog to eat the furniture.

A female friend keeps dating unsuitable men. When you suggest getting to know people properly for once, what does she do?

A. Takes a more relaxed attitude to dates and meets a great guy.
B. Hops into bed with the first gym-obsessed weirdo she meets then lends him £6,000 to follow his dream of becoming a male stripper.

A male friend complains all the women he dates are “mad”. When you suggest not just going by their photo, what does he do?

A. Looks for someone with similar interests.
B. Refuses to go on dates with anyone who is not blonde with large breasts, despite obvious warning signs such as their membership of the Croydon Aryan League.

Mostly As. Your friends clearly value your good advice. Keep helping them not do things like buying massive snakes off Gumtree.

Mostly Bs. Your friends are serial idiots so stop wasting your time helping them. They’ll have to learn for themselves that most partners don’t think dogging would be ‘interesting’.

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Couple grows apart after living together for 40 minutes

A COUPLE have grown apart after sharing a home for nearly an hour, it has emerged.

Nathan Muir and Francesca Ryan have decided that, although they still care a lot for each other, things just aren’t like they were when they started unpacking their stuff earlier today.

Muir said: “I’ve got a lot of happy memories of this flat – opening the door, walking in the kitchen, having a quick slash – but we started having problems when she got out a collection of Princess Diana thimbles about 20 minutes ago

“I was like ‘what the fuck are those things?’ and she sort of narrowed her eyes and she ‘I thought you’d understand my Princess of Hearts collectables’.

“We’ve barely spent a night apart over the last two years, but that whole time she was pretending to be sane.”

Ryan said: “Looking back over the fraction of a morning when we were practically married, I think the rot set in when he decided to start calling the spare room his ‘wank pit’. He acted like it was a joke but you could tell it wasn’t really.

“It is time to move on, but certainly I’ll shedding some tears as we box up the stuff that we haven’t fully unpacked yet.”