'As a remainer, am I still allowed to hate the French?'

BREXIT is an act of madness that destroys decades of co-operation with our European neighbours. But I still really want to hate the French and everything about their ghastly country.

My time on a school exchange to Le Havre was fucking dreadful. My host family made me eat seven different types of offal. And there was this really weird day when the lads in my class bought porn from a service station.

I hate Brexit, but I’ve hated France for 30 years and I just want to know that I still can, even if Antoine de Caunes seems like a nice person.

Whenever I hear a French accent, I just think about fucked-up geese, how overpriced champagne is and how they all speak like bloody Amelie.

And why do they have to make everything so erotic, with words like croquembouche and pamplemousse? You never get that sort of filth from the Danish.

I adore Europe, I just think it would be so much better without the French. They love to complain, so wouldn’t it be better for everyone if we just swapped countries?

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London skyline renamed 'the Gigantic Metal Cocks of Doom'

LONDON is to become dominated by enormous menacing robotic penises thrusting into the sky, planners have confirmed. 

Following the popularity of giant wangs the Gherkin and the Shard, the 1,000ft Tulip tower will be the first of a new crop of glass-and-steel dicks, monumental todgers and shiny cocks.

Architect Julian Cook said: “Who likes living in the shadow of a colossal metal cock? Everybody? Yeah, us too.

“The Tulip is basically a very long shaft with a bulge at the top, like a lovely big phallus. It’ll be even taller than The Shard, which resembles a colossal spam javelin belonging to a malfunctioning dystopian android.

“Those who do live, work or dine in them will be total and utter cocks, so the buildings are a natural part of the environment.

“And when our great capital is finally a pulsing metropolis of dongs, schlongs, womb-brooms and love-muscles it will be the envy of the world.”

He added: “Yes, my own penis is perfectly adequate, thank you.”