‘As a remainer, am I still allowed to hate the French?’

BREXIT is an act of madness that destroys decades of co-operation with our European neighbours. But I still really want to hate the French and everything about their ghastly country.

My time on a school exchange to Le Havre was fucking dreadful. My host family made me eat seven different types of offal. And there was this really weird day when the lads in my class bought porn from a service station.

I hate Brexit, but I’ve hated France for 30 years and I just want to know that I still can, even if Antoine de Caunes seems like a nice person.

Whenever I hear a French accent, I just think about fucked-up geese, how overpriced champagne is and how they all speak like bloody Amelie.

And why do they have to make everything so erotic, with words like croquembouche and pamplemousse? You never get that sort of filth from the Danish.

I adore Europe, I just think it would be so much better without the French. They love to complain, so wouldn’t it be better for everyone if we just swapped countries?