Boris Johnson's guide to 'levelling up' your life

I’M levelling up Britain so that everyone has more opportunities, even though they’ll never amount to anything because they didn’t go to Eton. Here’s how to level up your life.

Move some important things up North

Such as your second home and your mistress. If enough of you do this, Wigan will become a tax haven-slash-swingers-resort, which would make it really worth visiting. In fact, I might rebrand it as Northern Vegas.

Travel to a remote area of the UK

HS2 will enable Londoners to travel to far-flung areas of the UK, like Birmingham. It’s the most exotic place you will be able to conveniently travel to now that Brexit has happened. Don’t go to Scotland or they will eat you.

Pay attention to poor people

I have to do this because I’m meant to look like I care about every person in this country and not just the rich ones. However, I’ve found it’s good for my self-esteem because I feel very superior to them.

Engage with the next generation

Talk to your children, even if you have previously refused to acknowledge their existence. I would engage with all mine, but the Child Support Agency have bizarrely lost all records ever since I suggested I might move their offices to the Outer Hebrides.

Buy a house outside London

Consider moving outside of the M25. You’ll find house prices eye-wateringly cheap so once you’ve sold your London house you’ll be able to buy an entire village in Lincolnshire and live like a feudal lord.

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You can propose to your boyfriend today, if he's a twat

WOMEN unfortunate enough to want or need to marry a man who is a complete twat are officially allowed to propose today. 

Leap Day allows women in relationships with men who have have not yet proposed to them the chance to humiliatingly pop the question themselves.

Helen Archer said: “I have a child with my boyfriend. We have a mortgage together. For legal reasons we need to be married, but regrettably he is a twat.

“So I shall get down on one knee and do what he really should have done himself years ago. Just like I do with everything f**king else.”

Francesca Johnson said: “I’m with one of those leftie wankers who doesn’t believe in sexism, so I guess it’s down to me.

“I’ll propose, he’ll accept, he’ll spend the rest of the day going on to his twat mates about how non-traditional and groundbreaking it was while I bite my lip and don’t say anything.

“It’s good there’s a special day for women in long-term romantic relationships with dickheads. Shame it’s only every four years.”