GIFT suggestions for that hard-to-buy-for person you cannot abide.
Everyone has at least one twat they need to buy a Christmas present for. It could be a colleague, a distant relative or perhaps your spouse.
Twats have strange taste, are notoriously picky and will be quick to openly mock a ‘wrong’ gift. Here’s how to win their approval:
Professor Twatticus’s Grammar Rules for Cleverness Experts book
There is nothing a twat likes more than a grammar pedant book, especially if it is ‘written’ by a fictional Oxbridge tutor who (or should that be whom?) appears pictured on the back cover with a mortarboard and tiny, mean eyes. Find it in the ‘twat books’ section at Waterstone’s.
A bag of Ralph Lauren Polo badges to sew onto things
Your chosen twat can make everything ‘designer’ with a bagful of tiny horse logos to sew onto everything from cushions to pets.
Bottle of aftershave with picture of a boat on it
Contains real monkey sex hormones.
How to Get People to Do Things They Do Not Want to Do business book
For that post-Christmas lull, a host of bullying and mind control techniques from billionaires who have poisoned entire continents.
Sexy calendar with thingy off the dancing on the telly
Twelve big glossy pictures of ‘that blonde sort off the dancing who’s proper filth’.
The Death of Top Gear coffin-shaped DVD box set
They can watch the final sesries then bury it in the garden like a beloved pet, in a special ceremony vowing revenge on political correctness.
