Ed Miliband: My brother can go f**k himself

THE recent criticisms of my election campaign by my brother, David Miliband, have been taken seriously in many quarters. 

But not mine. Because this is exactly the kind of shit that he always pulls, and my considered response is that he can go and fuck himself. 

I feel sure that the younger brothers of Britain will understand completely when I say that David is, and has always been, a dick. 

And it’s hardly surprising that the nine-year-old who lined up his Tonka trucks on a shelf to admire their immaculate paintwork grew up with a massive chubby for anyone who drives a shiny BMW.

The time has come to admit that I scratched those Tonka toys, David. I deliberately recorded over your save files for Elite on the BBC Micro, and you didn’t accidentally leave out that copy of Knave that mum found when you were 14. I put it there. 

There’s no denying I lost the election. But you got beaten like a left-wing activist in the back of a police van years ago, unable even to take first place in the loser’s contest. 

Will you try again? No, apparently you’re busy running “a global charity in New York”. 

Will you listen to yourself? Could there possibly be a more unimportant job for posh parents to stick their most useless son in?

I have achieved nothing over the last five years except the destruction of the Labour party, and it’s still more than you’ll ever achieve in your whole worthless life. 

You believe in aspiration? Well, why not aspire to having slightly more fraternal loyalty than Cain?

Oh, and mum says she hates you.

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Scotland putting listening devices in shortbread

THE new Cold War with Scotland has intensified with the discovery of radio transmitters in shortbread.

Father-of-two Roy Hobbs was enjoying a shortbread biscuit when he chipped a tooth on a microphone.

He said: “I thought it was weird that a tartan tin packed with shortbread had just appeared on the doorstep, but it looked buttery and delicious so I asked no questions.

“Then I crunched into a tiny black device, about the size of a fly and wrapped in grease-proof paper. Luckily my family were only talking about ITV talent shows and not Britain’s missile defence systems.”

Anti-Scottish sentiment has intensified since the election, with the release of so-called propaganda films including Invaders from Planet Irn Bru 9 and Godzilla vs Tartanicus.

Last night England was in a state of near-anarchy as mobs roamed the streets attacking Angus Steakhouses and people called Callum, neither of which turned out to be Scottish.

Plumber Stephen Malley said: “To be on the safe side I’ve destroyed everything I own which was Scottish, except my Del Amitri album which I burnt shortly after buying it in 1989.   

“It’s a shame because I used to like lots of Scottish things including Highlander and Clare Grogan. But if I met her now she’d probably crush me with her massive caber.”