Five creative ways to make someone else’s life event all about you 

Something great has happened in someone else’s life. This obviously cannot do, as it means the attention won’t be on you for a couple of days, maybe longer if they really milk it.

Here are five creative ways to make someone else’s happy news all about you.

Announce it for them on Facebook
Whether it’s a pregnancy, an engagement or amazing career news, nobody wants to look like a dick by shouting their successes all over the internet. By making the announcement for them, you’re doing them a favour, spreading the great news while allowing them to appear humble.

One-up them
Someone gets engaged? Get married. Someone has a baby? Have twins. Someone gets a great new car? Report it as stolen and have them pulled over by the police.

Create a problem
Invited to a wedding? How come they haven’t arranged transport, childcare and accommodation for you? Someone’s had a baby? Start a huge argument with them about their choice to vaccinate. Nothing puts all eyes back on you like kicking up a big stink.

Take over
Someone’s getting married? Plan the whole thing for them. Planning a wedding is so stressful so they’ll definitely thank you for it. Make sure to plan every detail the way you would have it, completely ignoring their tastes, so it’s a real surprise.

Hold your breath until you pass out
If all else fails, just hold your breath until you turn purple and lose consciousness. They’ll remember that birthday party for all the right reasons.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Parents genuinely terrified by child’s latest finger paintings

A MOTHER and father are being tormented by the bone-chilling artwork created by their youngest child.

Four-year-old Emma Logan recently learned how to draw vaguely human forms and is enthusiastically filling the house with paintings, sketches and sculptures that scare the living shit out of anyone who encounters them.

Emma’s father Tom said: “It looks like the Blair Witch has had a trolley dash around Hobbycraft.

“We try to ‘lose’ them as quickly as possible but we can’t keep up. Everywhere I turn there’s another weird humanoid peering at me with intent.”

Emma’s mother Sarah added: “The eyes don’t just follow me around the room, they follow me to work and hover in front of me during meetings.”

Meanwhile, Emma his confirmed she is well aware of the unsettling effect her creations have on her parents.

She said: “Oh yeah, I’m fucking with their minds, big time. This is what happens when I’m not allowed to watch Paw Patrol.

“Let’s see how well they sleep when they encounter my imaginary friend ‘the Duchess’.”