Five deadly carnivores you'd rather sit next to at a wedding than Toby Young

THEY may be nature’s most lethal killers but at least they aren’t Toby Young.

Creatures that feast on flesh may not sound like the ideal wedding guests, but what if the choice was between sitting next to one of these ravening beasts or Toby Young? In that case, these are the beasts you’d be making small talk with whilst waiting for the speeches to start.

Polar bear – A polar bear could kill you in a matter of seconds. Toby Young is a good friend of Boris Johnson’s.

Tyrannosaurus Rex – The most dangerous dinosaur in history or a man who thinks wheelchair ramps are a sign of political correctness gone mad? You’ll be asking Mr Rex if he’s got any holiday plans this year whilst tucking into the delicious tomato soup starter.

Jaguar – May puncture your jugular with dagger-like teeth but at least it won’t bang on about tits in the needlessly elaborate vocabulary of a public school prefect and then steal your pudding.

Vulture – Giant bird or Toby Young? One pecks at the flesh of any dying buffalo that crosses its path and the other is a vulture.

Nigel Farage – I don’t mind sitting at the kids’ table you know.

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Northern Forest to have massive chip on its shoulder

TREES in the new Northern Forest will have a large number of grievances and think southern forests are looking down on them, it has emerged.

The planned forest stretching from Liverpool to Hull will be full of trees who assume affluent southern woodlands are constantly sneering at them, despite no one suggesting this.

Doncaster-based oak Roy Hobbs said: “I expect down south the trees think we’re a bunch of thick deciduous bastards who’ve never heard of nature trails or picnic areas.

“Well let me tell you this. I’ve just had a dead branch removed by the Forestry Commission using a state-of-the-art Bosch trimmer vehicle.

“We may not grow in fancy London parks but we’ve got a sense of community. Trees round here would give you their last acorn if you asked. You wouldn’t get that in the New Forest.”

Fir tree Nikki Hollis from Stockport said: “My aunt told me every southern tree has its own personal forester to shoot woodpeckers. It’s disgusting when some Northern trees are just stumps.

“I’d move down south myself but it’s not really practical when you’ve got a massive root network. Also I wouldn’t fit in because apparently the poncey twats get watered every day with lattes.”