Five great ways to obstruct people in public

DO you like pissing people off with your big rucksack or stupid little dog on a massive lead? Here’s how to take being a pain in the arse in public places to a new level.

Stop at the top of an escalator

There’s no way people using an escalator could be in a hurry to get somewhere, so stop, relax and take in the view. Perhaps have a conversation with your companions, or generally dick around. That won’t make people want to punch you very hard.

Wear a fucking massive rucksack

A huge rucksack is the classic item for hitting people in the face every time you turn round. Refuse to take it off on the bus and get one made from extra scratchy material for the maximum effect when people get a faceful of it.

Stand in a doorway

Stopping just the other side of a threshold so that the person behind can’t help but bump into you is superb. Bonus points if you turn and glare at them as if they’re the irritating fuckwit.

Dawdle along with a pushchair, a toddler and a dog

You’re living a perfect middle-class existence, so why not share it with people who might need to go somewhere urgently? Turn busy streets into an obstacle course, particularly if you’re just ambling to Waitrose for a pot plant to kill some time before ‘wine o’clock’.

Stand in a group of bantering twats

Whether you’re outside a pub or just blocking the pavement whilst absorbed in your own bullshit, everyone trying to get past hates you. Be even more annoying by treating people to snippets of obnoxious lad conversations about celebrities you would ‘do’.

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Corbyn will be no match for me and my glove puppets, says May

THERESA May will attempt to distract from her robotic personality at the Brexit debate by using glove puppets, she has confirmed.

The prime minister will represent the views of Brexiters and Remainers with the help of delightful furry friends Breccy the Bear and Remmy the Raccoon.

A Downing Street spokesman said: “They won’t speak. Instead they’ll squeak, and Theresa will interpret it.

“So Breccy will say ‘Squeak! Squeak squeak SQUEAK!’ and she’ll say ‘What’s that, Breccy? You believe we should leave the EU without a deal and fall back on WTO rules?’.

“‘Silly Breccy! That’s not what the people voted for! And yes, we will be honouring the referendum result, Remmy! No we won’t have a second vote, you out-of-touch elite, you!’.

“It’s a brilliant way of making sure all the different views are heard and ridiculed. Also if David Dimbleby raises a valid point that really needs to be addressed Breccy will squirt him with a water pistol.”

A Labour spokesman said Jeremy Corbyn will represent all sides of the debate because he is all things to all men, although he may bring a mangy old squirrel puppet called Mr Trotsky.