Five simple ways to make your flatshare a passive aggressive nightmare

NOT experiencing enough passive aggression in your flatshare? Here are five handy tips to max out those horribly tense vibes.

Hush hush (no eye to eye)
If you were to ever talk about problems in a grown-up manner there’s a danger they might get resolved. So don’t. Does your flatmate keep leaving food in the sink? Just stay quiet and let that resentment build. Ideally, take it to your grave.

WhatsApp baby
Okay, so sometimes things get so bad you just have to mention it. But things always sound much colder and more inflammatory via text, so that’s the way to do it. A WhatsApp group chat is ideal for this. Plus you have the option to not name the culprit – which gives you license to be even more of a dick about it.

Riddle me this
But what if you’re a people person and love to talk face-to-face? Well just make sure to say what’s bothering you in a way that’s impossible to engage with. For example, if you feel like someone is hogging the washing machine just walk up to them and say “You do a lot of washing, don’t you?”. They won’t know what to say and you’ll both stand there awkwardly.

Gaslight of my life
No intention of ever doing any cleaning? Simply make a cleaning rota with a tickchart and put it up on the wall. When it’s your turn to clean, just tick it off, but don’t actually do any of it. Then nag everyone else about keeping to the rota – they’ll be too busy being defensive to realise what an awful prick you are.

A pretty big deal around here
Or if you are a clean freak, whatever you do, don’t just accept your lot in life with good humour. For every single second that your hand is touching a vacuum cleaner or holding a sponge make sure the whole fucking world knows. The flat will both be clean and filled with the sweet smell of guilt and bad feeling.

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You do know we vote, say middle-class coke users

MIDDLE-CLASS cocaine users targeted by the government have politely reminded them that they vote in every election and usually swing Tory. 

After home secretary Sajid Javid announced a crackdown on well-heeled recreational drug users, well-off people with permanent colds said they felt disappointed and betrayed.

Julian Cook of Solihull said: “He doesn’t mean me, does he? He does? Oh, Sajid.

“It’s just that I pay attention to politics, you see, unlike all those working-class people you’re always demonising so freely, and I’m afraid this could very well influence things in the polling booth. 

“You’re making me into a criminal for a few grams of gak? Delivered by a very nice man in an Audi who admired the Emin print hanging in the hall? 

“Corbyn would never say anything against us, even if it is only because he believes in providing an income stream to South American socialist governments. Easy decision.” 

Conservative chair Brandon Lewis said: “So in a stroke that’s lost us Knightsbridge, Harrogate, Putney, Henley, Richmond and the Cotswolds. Fucking well done.”