Five ways to get some sleep while looking after toddlers

Falling asleep while looking after small children is challenging, but not impossible, here’s how:

Traffic lights
With the kids belted in and the lights at red, you can enjoy thirty seconds to two minutes of solid nap. Wake softly to the sounds of chirping car horns or the driver behind you suddenly outside your window, calling you an arsehole.

Soft play
While your kids run wild in a cage, head for the furthest, darkest corner of the soft play where the strong smell of urine puts off everyone else and drift off to dreamland.

Coffee shop
Meet a friend with small children, order a decaf, keep your shades on and then ask them: “Is your partner helping out much?” By the time they’ve finished moaning you’ve bagged an hour’s kip.

Bed shop
Tell the shop assistant you want the most expensive bed but you need to test it and ask them to keep an eye out. Then take a nice twenty while the shop assistant tries to lure your brats out of the window display.

During Frozen
A Disney film is prime sleeping real estate. Side effects include kids repeatedly singing songs so annoyingly that you will eventually have a nervous breakdown.

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42-year-old man wrongly thinks he can still have 'massive weekends'

A MAN is desperately clinging to the belief that he enjoys spending the whole weekend binge drinking.

Stephen Malley, who now has hangovers lasting several days, claims he loves a ‘proper bender’ even though he spends the rest of the week quietly weeping in the toilets at work.

Friend Wayne Hayes said: “Steve thinks there’s some manly honour in getting so shitfaced every weekend that he wants to die from the moment he stops drinking on Sunday until he starts again on Friday.

“The problem is he can’t handle it anymore and is usually so red-faced and shaky by Saturday afternoon that he looks more like he’s having a heart attack than ‘top bantz with the lads’.

“I’ve told him there’s no shame in having three pints then going home and nodding off in front of Dave but that just makes him buy a round of Jägerbombs.

“Then he usually vomits copiously in the gutter, makes a disastrous phone call to his ex and looks as though he could pass out at any moment.”

Malley said: “I just don’t want the good times to end.”