Five weekend activities that say 'this relationship is dead'

HAVING organised fun with your partner, or grasping for ways to bear their disappointing company? These five activities scream ‘I feel nothing for you’:

Seeing a play

The theatre is the perfect location for avoiding interaction with your partner. Unlike the cinema, you can’t talk through the trailers and if you so much as turn your heads towards each other, some white-haired gentleman will audibly tut.

Doing a dance class 

Do you really want to learn to salsa or is this the only way you can force yourselves to touch each other these days? It may even be an excuse to touch other people, in which case, it’s definitely over, and you’re a creep.

Going to a museum

A sure sign that you’re struggling to fill the gaping conversational void that opens up whenever you’re together. Once you wanted to know everything about each other, now your love is as dead as the trilobite fossil you’re unenthusiastically discussing.

Exercising as a couple

Are you actually having fun playing tennis together? Or were you feeling the urge to release some happy hormones and the thought of doing that in the bedroom makes you feel dead inside?

Attending a wine tasting event

Just a fancy-pants excuse for getting blind drunk so you can distract yourself from the sad, dead carcass of your relationship. The urge to get out the house at all is a red flag: any happy couple would spend the weekend at home, watching different Netflix shows on separate devices.

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We won't soak up anything, confirm pub crisps

A PACKET of ready salted crisps has confirmed it will do nothing to offset the effects of drinking excessive amounts of alcohol.

The admission came after Tom Booker ordered the deep-fried potato snack along with a round of 12 percent ABV craft beers.

Packet of Walkers crisps Wayne Hayes said: “I get his logic but I’m half full of crisps, half full of air. I’m going to do f**k all.

“If I were a grab bag backed up by some pork scratchings and scampi fries, he’d at least be in with a fighting chance of dodging a hangover. That’s if he doesn’t down any more drinks, which he will.

“To make things worse he’s going to split me open so all of his friends can have approximately two crisps each. My salt content will only make all of them more thirsty. I am literally pointless.”

When Tom Booker was later reunited with the crisps as he vomited their mushed remains into the toilet, he asked: “How could you betray me?”