Four IKEA products in urgent need of a Brexit makeover

IKEA can feel like a lucid, European nightmare. Strange names, tiny pencils and a one-way system that’s more regimental than EU fishing regulations. In the new Golden Age, here are four products in need of immediate Brexification.

KÖTTBULLAR meatballs
Nothing says ‘IKEA’ more than a portion of Swedish meatballs covered in gravy. Now that Brexit is done the UK will be doing away with food altogether, so no snacks for you, fatty.

KALLAX cabinet
It sounds deeply foreign, or possibly from Star Trek, so it should renamed the ‘Johnson’ cabinet. The build quality is very poor, but as long as you shuffle around the contents every so often you’ll forget that it could collapse at any moment.

BILLY bookcase

This product already has a good Ulster British name, but just in case Northern Ireland ends up reuniting with the south – and therefore the loathsome EU – it should be renamed the ‘Winston’ bookcase.

RENS sheepskin Rug
The sheepskin rug is a staple item in any IKEA-decorated home. As homage to the Welsh wool industry it should be renamed the ‘Merthyr Tydfil Mini-Carpet’. Like Merthyr, it will take your abuse and not give a f*ck.

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Streaming perfectly recreates experience of choosing sh*t film in Blockbuster

STREAMING services have digitally simulated standing in Blockbuster for 40 minutes before choosing something crap, viewers have confirmed. 

Online streaming libraries boast millions of films, many of which are award-winning fan favourites but still capture that video-shop ennui, frustration and resignation that you will inevitably make the wrong choice.

Helen Archer said: “It’s incredible how, from the comfort of your own home, you can be transported to the flickering strip-lights of a video shop in 2005.

“Aimlessly flicking through the same painful selection before remembering that you really wanted to see something and then finding out it’s not available. They’ve thought of it all.

“Browsing Netflix then Amazon then Google Play and seeing the same choices over and over again, interspersed with all those deeply suspicious movies with a great cast that you’ve somehow never heard of – it’s like I’m there.”

Archer added: “And once I’ve selected something I know will be rubbish, I make myself some horrible microwave popcorn, sit back and regret my decision just like in the old days.”