Four new wellness trends that we've just pulled out of our arses

Do you think throwing your money at some ‘holistic regime’ will make you feel better about life? Then why not try one of these:

Gravel healing
Crystals and hot stones are imbued with healing power, apparently, so why not some tiny chips of rock from your driveway? A vigorous gravel rub down will soothe your soul (but not your skin).

Death metal bath
Perhaps you’ve heard of a ‘sound bath’ where listening to gentle Himalayan gongs help you feel deeply relaxed? A death metal bath is pretty much the same, except you will feel rampantly aggressive.

Eat your own excrement
‘Wellness’ is all about pushing the boundaries of ‘wellness’, so eating your own excrement is simply the next frontier beyond drinking your own urine. Remember to use cutlery.

Bareknuckle boxing
Or ‘natural boxing’, as it’s known in wellness circles. It’s well known that boxing burns calories and releases stress, and bareknuckle boxing does the same, but you don’t need to buy any equipment and it changes the shape of your nose.

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Remainers really wishing Jean-Claude Juncker wasn't such a git

PEOPLE who want to remain in the EU really wish Jean-Claude Juncker was not so obviously unpleasant.

Remainers across the country admitted they would feel a lot less conflicted if Britain could be negotiating with someone like Antoine de Caunes instead.

Emma Bradford said: “When you see Juncker messing with that woman’s hair or generally coming across like a bloke on Channel 5 who drinks his own piss, I do experience a flicker of doubt.

“And if he could remember to wear the right coloured shoes that would also be a pretty solid bonus.”

Fellow Remainer, Martin Bishop, added: “Michel Barnier comes across okay. At least in that loveless stepfather who’s also a teacher at your school and doesn’t own a TV kind of way.

“Why can’t we be negotiating with ABBA?”