Four new wellness trends that we’ve just pulled out of our arses

Do you think throwing your money at some ‘holistic regime’ will make you feel better about life? Then why not try one of these:

Gravel healing
Crystals and hot stones are imbued with healing power, apparently, so why not some tiny chips of rock from your driveway? A vigorous gravel rub down will soothe your soul (but not your skin).

Death metal bath
Perhaps you’ve heard of a ‘sound bath’ where listening to gentle Himalayan gongs help you feel deeply relaxed? A death metal bath is pretty much the same, except you will feel rampantly aggressive.

Eat your own excrement
‘Wellness’ is all about pushing the boundaries of ‘wellness’, so eating your own excrement is simply the next frontier beyond drinking your own urine. Remember to use cutlery.

Bareknuckle boxing
Or ‘natural boxing’, as it’s known in wellness circles. It’s well known that boxing burns calories and releases stress, and bareknuckle boxing does the same, but you don’t need to buy any equipment and it changes the shape of your nose.