Gary Barlow: I really believe I can make everyone hate me again

IT’S been a long road for me, from the first Take That days through my wilderness years to being back with the boys on top of the world.

But I’ve kept myself together through it all because I truly believe, in my heart, that I can make everyone in the country hate me again.

Remember in the 1990s, when Gary Barlow was a universally derided joke? When I got dropped by my record company and ballooned to 34 stone in weight, a bitter, lonely recluse?

Those were the days. And, with the release of a new solo album and that advert with the meerkats, I think they’re on their way back.

It may sound egotistical, but I can feel the festering resentment out there from everyone who fell for the new humble, slimmed down me back in 2006.

And every time I destroy a dream on the X-Factor, using the platform given to me to stamp on a young hopeful’s fingers, it’s a little closer to breaking through.

It’s taken a lot of work. Organising that Diamond Jubilee concert sowed the first seeds of unease, and coming out as a grasping Tory really turned opinion-formers against me.

But it’s next year, when I release a new Take That album where I don’t allow the other boys to sing and kick Robbie Williams out of the band live on stage, that’ll really do it.

I can’t wait to stand in the middle of that stadium, tens of thousands of women booing as they realise what an utter prick I’ve been all along. I’ll be there, arms outstretched, basking in their hatred.

And then I’ll start on the pies.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

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An idle thought on Friday is wondering if the One Direction tour bus has the sign ‘No tools left in this vehicle overnight’.

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Sex with you is like a rollercoaster. There’s nausea throughout and the opportunity to buy a commemorative t-shirt afterwards.

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This week you realise that at least 40% of soap storylines could be avoided by characters simply checking to see if anyone has overheard them.

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Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
No word from the X Factor producers about your suggested new nickname for Sharon Osbourne – ‘Taint’ – because she’s between the penis and the arse.

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Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
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Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You have an out-of-date browser, which is a shame because with a new browser this horoscope is brilliant.