George R R Martin's guide to procrastination

HOW to avoid doing any work, by Game of Thrones creator George R R Martin.

Although I am good at writing fantasy books, I am even better at avoiding writing fantasy books.

Usually when I wake up the first thing that flashes across my mind is ‘shit, I’d better finish those throne books’. It gives me a sort of sick feeling, if I’m honest. Then I start thinking about thrones, how they’re quite like toilets and how I probably need to buy a new toilet. So I drive to the bathroom shop and have a wander round there for a bit, buy a toilet and then put it in the garage with all my other spare toilets.

By that point it’s usually about half eleven, so I sit down at the computer. Time to do some serious writing, perhaps about dragons. I decide to research dragons on the internet in case I’ve forgotten what they are. Then I also end up googling drain unblocker, amazing BMX tricks and watching a whole episode of Harry and the Hendersons on YouTube (less funny than I remember).

Then I go and have a sandwich and quickly check to see if Game of Thrones is on TV, because if so they might have some ideas I can use. It isn’t, so instead I watch the 80s fantasy film Willow with Val Kilmer. It’s quite good.

I go outside and have a look at my house, just to check it’s not on fire. It isn’t.

By now it’s 4pm and time to really crack on. Unfortunately my desk has a wonky leg so I spend half an hour fixing that with some beer mats. Then I sit down ready to at least wank out 500 words before dinner, just as the doorbell goes.

It’s the Amazon guy with the latest Game of Thrones book! I’m disappointed to discover that I’ve already read it, in fact I wrote it, but it’s good to be sure. Then I have a biscuit and decide to call it a day.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Bloody cyclist going too fast again

A BLOODY cyclist has been going too bloody fast, it has been confirmed.

The Welsh bike freak, who probably thinks he’s sodding Bradley Wiggins, was watched by millions of law-abiding motorists as he reached ridiculous speeds on narrow French roads where there could have been kids or something.

Taxi driver and considerate road user Wayne Hayes said: “All these people think about is bloody bikes. They’ve got no common sense.

“I was shouting at the telly, ‘too fast! too fast!’. And then they only went and gave him a sodding trophy, didn’t they?

“Couldn’t believe my eyes. The daft bastards.”

Hayes added: “I suppose you realise they’re all gay.”