Self-proclaimed 'perfectionist' very bad at job

A WOMAN claiming to be a ‘perfectionist’ is incapable of performing even the most basic tasks of her job.

Administrator Susan Traherne portrays herself as a tortured workaholic crippled by her impossibly high standards, a description has baffled her colleagues.

Boss Emma Bradford said: “Perfectionist? Fits with always missing deadlines, but not the massively shoddy final product.

“It’s not exactly Franz Kafka burning his masterpieces. Susan can’t finish an email without a serious typo.

“She may believe her biggest weakness is perfectionism, but I’d argue that her biggest weaknesses are her numerous, glaring weaknesses.

“Aim for adequacy, Susan. Let perfect be the goal of those who’ve conquered that.”

Susan Traherne said: “I’d rather do nothing at all than do my job badly. So in the end, I do a mix of both.”

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Britain still best in world for lager, gravy consumption

BRITAIN is still the best country in the world for consuming lager and gravy, with the average adult putting away eight pints of each per week. 

The UK has far outstripped rivals, with many countries guzzling less than a pint of either liquid staple per week or even falsely claiming it to be ‘unhealthy’.

A spokesman for the UK Food Council said: “We don’t think our lead is actually as commanding as it seems. There’s no way Italy can survive on that little gravy.

“But nonetheless, we’re still well ahead of the pack when it comes to a pint of lager and a pint of gravy.

“It remains one of the few things that truly binds Britain together; whether in England, Northern Ireland, Scotland or Wales, go to any pub and ask for their cheapest lager and brownest gravy to be welcomed with open arms.”

Bill McKay of Crewe said: “Lager. Gravy. Gravy. Lager.

“It’s no use. I just can’t choose between them.”