Halloween Quiz: Are you psychic or just stupid?

DO perfectly normal events make you think you’re ‘a bit psychic’ or even in contact with the spirit world? Take our quiz and find out if you are gifted or a moron.

Sometimes you think about a person and they ring shortly afterwards. Why is this?

A. Because you only know about three people and you owe them all money.

B. Because you have an incredible psychic power which is sadly limited to telling you if your sister might ring.

While visiting a stately home you see a white figure in the distance who disappears out of view. What was it?

A. A caterer or just someone wearing white clothes.

B. Definitely a ghost, probably of a 16th century noblewoman. Or possibly a fairy.

You are driving to work and get a strong sense you didn’t lock the back door. When you drive back to check, this is correct. Why was this?

A. You just remembered something quite important.

B. Your guardian angel saw you’d left the door unlocked, flew down from Heaven, zoomed along the motorway and into your car, gave you a telepathic message then flew off again.

You visit a medium who gets a remarkable number of things right and gives you a comforting message from your dead aunt Jean. How was this possible?

A. The medium used guesswork and lots of leading questions.

B. The medium can literally communicate with billions of souls. Unfortunately they choose not to give answers to the deepest questions of human existence and instead just say things like, ‘Auntie Jean says it’s nice here’.

Mostly As. You are not gullible but not psychic either, which is disappointing but at least you won’t waste a small fortune on paranormal books and factory-made ‘faerie folk’ ornaments.

Mostly Bs. You are clearly at one with the psychic realm, a very special gift shared only by you, the kid from that Bruce Willis film and millions of menopausal American women.

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Guardian confused by man who doesn't want to go to Oxbridge

THE Guardian is deeply confused by a man who does not want to study at ‘Oxbridge’, it has confirmed.

After publishing its 93rd article this month about some tedious aspect of the elite universities’ selection process, the newspaper admitted it was puzzled by 18-year-old Stephen Malley’s indifference to Oxford or Cambridge.

Malley said: “I want to be a chef, and I’m not sure how fannying about for three years with very tall people will help me to cook food.

“Also I just went to school for a number of years and thought it was awful, so I’m not sure why I’d want to continue that sort of thing even if it’s in really nice old buildings.

“Maybe some people will benefit from that but to me it all seems like a lot of bollocks.”

A spokesman said: “Obviously Britain’s oppressive class system has cruelly limited his aspirations, or he’s got some sort of syndrome.

“We particularly need to get more working-class pupils through the entrance exams so they can enjoy the benefits of highly selective education, achieve social mobility and enjoy Duchy Originals biscuits on a regular basis.

“That’s not the same principle as grammar schools, by the way. It’s totally different.”