Government bidding to be most f**ked-up ever

TORIES are throwing everything behind an attempt to enter the record books as the most f**ked-up British government of all time. 

Clinging to power after a benchmark-settingly shite election campaign, Theresa May’s government looks set to lose the wafer-thin majority it holds by bargaining with religious fanatics because its MPs have built up a spreadsheet’s-worth of pathetic sexual misdemeanours.

Political analyst Helen Archer said: “They’re really going for broke on this one. 

“They’ve spent seven years ruining the private sector and public sector simultaneously leaving the UK with an economy that basically needs to be thrown out and started over again. 

“And now, with the party at civil war and its deeply unpopular leader only in power as a placeholder, the country will be paralysed due to its representatives being ‘a bit handsy’.

“All we need now is the exposure of massive financial corruption, the breakdown of society, and stumbling into war and they’re up there at the top. 

“Confident Boris can handle all that. With style.”