Government bidding to be most f**ked-up ever

TORIES are throwing everything behind an attempt to enter the record books as the most f**ked-up British government of all time. 

Clinging to power after a benchmark-settingly shite election campaign, Theresa May’s government looks set to lose the wafer-thin majority it holds by bargaining with religious fanatics because its MPs have built up a spreadsheet’s-worth of pathetic sexual misdemeanours.

Political analyst Helen Archer said: “They’re really going for broke on this one. 

“They’ve spent seven years ruining the private sector and public sector simultaneously leaving the UK with an economy that basically needs to be thrown out and started over again. 

“And now, with the party at civil war and its deeply unpopular leader only in power as a placeholder, the country will be paralysed due to its representatives being ‘a bit handsy’.

“All we need now is the exposure of massive financial corruption, the breakdown of society, and stumbling into war and they’re up there at the top. 

“Confident Boris can handle all that. With style.” 

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Little shits generously putting on free firework displays

LITTLE SHITS in your area will be hosting free public fireworks displays this week, they have confirmed.

In keeping with the annual tradition, pubescent dickheads will be delighting the local area with nightly celebrations involved anything that goes off with a very loud bang.

13-year-old rascal Wayne Hayes said: “We like to do our bit for community cohesion – so I’m going to be firing rockets at my mates and into random gardens every night this week.

“It really warms our spirits to see people working together, talking about whether to come over and have a word with us or call the police.”

He added: “And let’s be honest, it’s pretty funny. Lee actually wet himself when he almost lost an earlobe to that Catherine Wheel last year.”

Locals are already feeling the bonding effects of the boys’ efforts, exchanging anguished Facebook messages about the newsagent selling fireworks and sharing tips on how to secure their letterboxes.

When the fun ends after Bonfire Night, the neighbourhood will revert back to its previous hate figure of the mystery dog turd-leaver.