Have you joined a UFO death cult or have you joined the Lib Dems? Take the test...

Who is your leader?
A. An ancient, reincarnated demi-God who will lead us to Eternia where we will live in intergalactic glory forever.

B. I don’t know, but it’s a UFO death cult so it’s probably someone weird.

Do your friends think you’re making a mistake?
A. I have given up all my friends from my previous existence as their lack of faith will only slow down the eventual arrival of the magic ship which will take us to the promised land.

B. Yeah, they think it’s a bit weird that I’ve joined a UFO death cult but no-one’s deleted me on Facebook yet.

What are your plans for the future?
A. We will all embrace the sins of the flesh in an orgy of madness and wine. We’ll then begin stockpiling weapons for the eventuality that the powers that be can no longer take our otherworldly outlook on the coming end of days.

B. Dunno, probably some sort of orgy. That’s what usually goes on in these UFO death cults, isn’t it?

What do you think of Brexit?
A. We’re against it, to be fair.

B. Yeah, we’re against it. We may be a UFO death cult but we’re not insane.

Mostly As: You’re a fully paid up member of the Liberal Democrats. Enjoy the spaceship ride.

Mostly Bs: You’re a fully paid up member of a UFO death cult. At least you’re not wasting your life.

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Teddy bears have left children unprepared for actual bears, say experts

CUDDLY toy bears are giving children dangerous misapprehensions about how to approach actual bears, experts believe.

A study found that children raised with a teddy bear were more likely to try and approach and hug a grizzly bear on sighting, and therefore more likely to get eaten.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “We should have realised this would backfire.

“We found that instead of rightly fearing tigers, lions and bears, children simply attempted to ride on them, stroke them or leave them on the bus sparking a heartwarming social media search.

“Our study recommends replacing cuddly versions of such animals with soft toys representing an animal even a child could defeat, like a worm or a mouse.

“After the age of nine they can move up to a duck, and by 12 they should be on the most terrifying animal an adult human could realistically fight on their own, the European otter.

“Not the South American giant otter. They’re five feet long and will fuck you up worse than a bear would.”

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