Heatwave advice for people who lack even the most basic common sense

HOT weather can be dangerous if you do not understand anything.

Britain is basking in the glorious sunshine of a long heatwave – but it can be hard to enjoy the sun safely if you are shit thick. Here is some advice for you:

If you stand naked in direct sunlight for a long time, you may start to experience discomfort caused by your skin burning off. One clue to this is a smell like roasting pork coming from your flesh.

Avoid staring directly at the sun. This should be easy enough to do as there is no practical reason why you would ever need to stare at the sun.

That feeling of dryness in your body is called ‘thirst’. It means it is time to have a drink. Not beer though. Fight the urge to drink more beer.

Water is best ingested through your mouth. Do not try to pour it up your nose.

Remember, whatever the weather, to keep breathing in and out. Breathing is an important part of not dying.

Finally, always wear a hat. Like that funny one you got from the market with ‘Fart Machine’ written on it.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man forced to stay loyal to increasingly shit Netflix show

A MAN cannot admit a TV show he was really into is actually quite shit without looking foolish, he has admitted.

Tom Logan declared himself a fan of generic sci-fi series Paradox Shift several years ago and now has to pretend to enjoy the increasingly repetitive programme.

Office worker Logan said: “I’ve told so many people it’s brilliant and wanked on about these sexy lizards aliens called the ‘Nanoids’ so much I can’t admit I am bored shitless of the whole thing.

“Last night there was a serial killer and a ‘slow burn’ romance between two characters which is really boring. There’s a mysterious guy in a van but he’s obviously just there to keep you watching.

“Nevertheless I had to tweet ‘ANOTHER GREAT EP!!! Will Agent Ronson turn out to be connected to the Hynde Corporation? Can’t wait 2 find out!!!’. God I hate myself.

“I’d love to just come out and say it’s crap but I’ve invested more time in it than any relationship I’ve ever had.”

Fellow fan Nikki Hollis said: “Paradox Shift is the greatest thing ever made, although I wouldn’t really know because the only other programme I watch is Jessica Jones.”