Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
At the first use of the phrase ‘plays to the rhythm of the samba’, take the orange pill as directed. You will go to a better place.
bobinsideCancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
If The Bangles were running late on a Monday, why didn’t they make the bed when they got home from work? You’ve not made your bed in three months and you’re unemployed.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
If you discover a new breed of tern & don’t name it ‘Cruyff’ then really, what’s the point of you being an ornithologist?
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
While the cat’s away, the mice will play. Although given the amount of holidays cats can afford this is a negligible amount of time.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
On Thursday you hear two blokes calling each other ‘bra’ and assume it’s because they’re a pair of tits.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
If your morning commuter train is anything to go by, there’s a new breakfast cereal on the market made of faeces and sadness.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

A breakthrough in the lab as you develop the world’s strongest glue, synthesised from the substance that allows Sepp Blatter to cling onto his FIFA presidency.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

A ‘cougar’ actually refers to an older, sexually predatory woman and no, you’re still not allowed back in the zoo for another three years.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

You’ll always find me in the kitchen at parties, filling my pockets with beers and bags of crisps.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

Time to face step nine in your twelve-step program – trying to remember where the hell you parked your car.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

Work has been so stressful lately you’ve been pulling your hair out. Your pubic hair. There’s been complaints.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)

What the fuck is that on your face?