Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
If The Bangles were running late on a Monday, why didn’t they make the bed when they got home from work? You’ve not made your bed in three months and you’re unemployed.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
If you discover a new breed of tern & don’t name it ‘Cruyff’ then really, what’s the point of you being an ornithologist?
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
While the cat’s away, the mice will play. Although given the amount of holidays cats can afford this is a negligible amount of time.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
On Thursday you hear two blokes calling each other ‘bra’ and assume it’s because they’re a pair of tits.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
If your morning commuter train is anything to go by, there’s a new breakfast cereal on the market made of faeces and sadness.

A breakthrough in the lab as you develop the world’s strongest glue, synthesised from the substance that allows Sepp Blatter to cling onto his FIFA presidency.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

A ‘cougar’ actually refers to an older, sexually predatory woman and no, you’re still not allowed back in the zoo for another three years.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

You’ll always find me in the kitchen at parties, filling my pockets with beers and bags of crisps.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

Time to face step nine in your twelve-step program – trying to remember where the hell you parked your car.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

Work has been so stressful lately you’ve been pulling your hair out. Your pubic hair. There’s been complaints.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)

What the fuck is that on your face?

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‘Curvy’ now officially means ‘breasts’

ALL words relating to curves have been reclassified to exclusively refer to women’s breasts.

The mathematical model of a curve, used to refer to any line which is not straight, has been replaced by a model/actress in a low-cut dress.

A spokesman for the Oxford English Dictionary said: “We’re simply following popular usage.

“When I described the road to my house as curvy and the delivery driver said ‘I’m sorry, do you mean it has massive tits?’ I knew we’d crossed a threshold.

“It’s happened before: today, ‘assets’ once again refers to financial worth, but for the entire 1980s it meant tits. As did ‘charms’. As did ‘love missiles’.”

The change has caused chaos for economists, physicists, airline pilots and architects all of whom are being repeatedly reprimanded for constantly talking about breasts in the workplace.

Mid-market tabloid journalist Carolyn Ryan said: “I can literally redefine reality. If I start calling tits party balloons, a thousand children’s birthdays are suddenly uncomfortably sexual.

“Now I really must get back to work. Kim Kardashian has worn a dress.”