I feel like Bruce Willis wearing a sandwich board

Dear Holly,

Having burned a few bridges with the African-American community, I currently feel a bit like Bruce Willis wearing that sandwich board at the beginning of Die Hard With A Vengeance. You know, the rubbish one with Samuel L Jackson, not the rubbish one with him out of Justified or the rubbish one set in Russia. And the sandwich board is saying rude things about black people, not just GOLF SALE. Anyway, can you suggest a good hiding place?

Justin Bieber
Undisclosed location

Dear Justin,

My teacher says that hiding from your problems is never going to solve them: you should be brave, own up to your mistakes and take the punishment you deserve. On the face of it, this seems like good advice, but not so much when it results in you being strangled to death by your big sister for cutting out some pretty shapes from her One Direction tickets or being grounded for life for shooting next door’s dog up the bumhole with a potato gun. Ultimately, the best advice in all similar situations is simply this: Run. Run and hide.

Hope that helps,


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Daily Mail running UK

THE Daily Mail’s successful campaign to charge for plastic bags has confirmed that the tabloid newspaper is effectively running the country.

Until now, few had realised the Mail is directly responsible for government policy, rather than merely influencing it via a torrent of mean-spirited reactionary drivel.

Prime minister David Cameron said: “Most of our policies are now geared to Mail readers, for example banning all sitcoms except Dad’s Army and making women accept the blame for everything.”

“It’s funny really, because if anyone else had thought of charging for carrier bags, the Mail would have accused them of being extremist environmental loonies with rich parents and grubby dreadlocks.”

Other legislation demanded by the Mail includes closing down the NHS because doctors are a bit posh and full of themselves, giving a medal to homeowners and making Kelly Brook the patron saint of ample curves.

Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre said: “I don’t really give a shit about carrier bags. I hate everything, so if a few preening swan bastards choke on them, so much the better.

“However it’s vital to remind the government who’s boss from time to time. Next week I might make Cameron dress as Shirley Temple and sing On The Good Ship Lollipop while I sneer at him.

“And by ‘sneer at’, I mean ‘urinate on’.”