Your Astrological Week Ahead

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

Do you have a dating strategy or are you just winging it? If it’s the latter, don’t wing it too often or you will go blind.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

At work, try sneaking some nuts into your colleagues salad to see if she really does have that allergy she’s always boasting about. I bet she can’t even spell anaphylactic.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

Upgrade your expectations when it comes to dating. From now on a pulse should be a minimum!

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

Invite some like-minded friends to join you and your honey for an old-fashioned double date, then suggest an orgy.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

Surprise your wife with breakfast in bed. That will teach her to sleep with your best friend when she thinks you are away on business.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

Your recent hopes for a fun date have been thwarted by a jealous friend. You’re only after sex and she’s been married to him for years. What’s her problem?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

You love your sweetie, but sometimes their little quirks do drive you crazy! Beat the shit out of them until they stop.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

Sometimes love can strike from long distance. But not in your case, hamster prick.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

Use meditation techniques to help refocus on your love goals. If that doesn’t work go back to pornography.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

The attraction you're feeling for your partner is smoking hot! Start the night with some raunchy dancing at a club, then try out a different set of moves back home! Then have sex.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Your trusting nature is one of your better qualities. Can you lend me fifty quid until pay day?

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Guy Ritchie To Make Worst Sherlock Holmes Film Ever

GUY Ritchie is to write and direct the worst Sherlock Holmes film in the history of cinema, Warner Bros confirmed last night.

The Lock, Stock director has lined up Goodfellas tough guy Ray Liotta to play the Victorian sleuth, while Dr Watson will be played by 'Outkast' frontman Andre 3000.

Bill McKay, of film bible Gaffer, said Ritchie’s film would be even worse than Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Silk Stocking, which starred Rupert Everett and was described by one critic as an 'affront to western civilisation'.

McKay said: "Everett was even worse than Roger Moore in Sherlock Holmes in New York, and that made people set fire to hospitals.

"But if anyone can top that it’s Liotta. He’s only delivered two decent performances in his life – one of them was 20 years ago and there was that advert for Heineken.

"Plus he’s got a Guy Ritchie script to work with, which is 18-carat gold if you want to make a piece-of-shit film."

He added: "Apparently it will be based on a new comic book, not one of the original stories. He’s calling it a 're-imagining' which bodes incredibly well.

"The only good news is it won’t be out until 2010, so I’ve still got two years to drink myself to death."

McKay said while Ritchie’s Sherlock Holmes would be the worst ever, he doubted it would match the eye-gouging awfulness of the director's previous films Revolver and Swept Away.

He said: "Pretentious, fractured, convoluted and overwrought. And that was just the opening credits. For the love of God, make it stop."