First Apprentice To Sell An Emailer Wins, Says Sugar

THE first contestant who manages to sell an Amstrad Emailer will win The Apprentice, Sir Alan Sugar said last night.

The Amstrad chairman said there was no higher accolade in the business world than selling one of the hybrid phone-email devices.

Sir Alan said: "When I started making the Emailer a lot of people said to me, 'what a waste of time. What a stupid, pointless waste of time. What a pathetic, embarrassing, idiotic waste of time'.

"'Who, in the name of Christ, would ever want one of these?' they would ask me, over and over again.

"But I kept making them – thousands and thousands of them – never losing faith that one day someone would come along who would actually be able to shift one of them."

He added: "The sales pitch is quite tricky because you basically have to make the punter believe he doesn't have a computer.

"I've sat through so many meetings where I'd say to the customer, 'you don't have a computer' and he would immediately say, 'yes I do – here it is, on my desk'.

"I'd then finish the meeting by telling him I'd send an email with some prices and he would say, 'okay, that's fine, I'll read it on my computer'."

Sir Alan said the winning contestant not only has to sell the Emailer but produce a photograph of the customer using it to send an email to himself which he will then read on his computer.

Meanwhile Lucinda Legerwood, the latest contestant to be fired, claimed she had been victimised because of her upper-class manner, but insisted she had 'no desire to sell Sky boxes to scum anyway'.


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Big Brother Unveils All-Vegetable House

THE producers of Big Brother have once again resisted calls to introduce humans into the house, sticking with the all-vegetable format for the ninth year in a row.

As the latest Channel 4 series kicks off, executive producer Wayne Hayes said: "I think last year people were shocked when we put a cauliflower and a tomato in the same room.

"The attraction was instant, it was just a shame the cauliflower turned out to be such an appalling racist."

He added: "It's a fantastic group this year. Let's hope they all manage to stay away from the goat."

The Big Brother vegetables 2008:

Fitness instructor by day, special constable by night. Loves fine, crumbly soil. Hates rabbits, immigrants and parsley. Extremely orange.



A fun loving vegetable with a degree in para-psychology. Describes herself as a good listener who makes friends easily even though she is just some broccoli.




The first ever onion in the Big Brother house. Hopes to raise awareness of onions and onion related issues. Store in a cool, dry place inside some old tights.




The most hideously misshapen of this year's vegetables. Earns 'good money' as an Andrew Lloyd Webber look-a-like. Sensitive about his green bits.
Incredibly gay.




Upper class and arty. Describes herself as a "creative free spirit who drinks vodka by the pint". Chop her up with scissors over a bowl of soup.




A popular aromatic herb used throughout Europe and Asia. Writes his own songs and goes great with cod. Hates immigrants and carrots.




This year's lesbian vegetable is a trainee nurse with a pierced tongue and a tattoo of Beelzebub. Tough on the outside, absolutely disgusting on the inside.




Mysterious, aloof and erotically charged. Likely to have carrot and parsley competing for her attention. Has been known to dramatically transform a frittata.