Your Astrological Week Ahead

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

Misunderstandings are happening constantly. Perhaps you're not communicating as effectively as you think. Are those your own teeth, or are you breaking them in for a friend?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

You may find it difficult to get geared up for the new week. Your drug dealer has been arrested.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

Knowing when a friend truly needs someone to listen to them is a highly sought after skill, which you don’t have.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

Show a pal that you empathise with their current relationship struggles and offer to lend a helping hand. You should at least get a quick one off the wrist in return.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

Instead of obsessing over what you don't have, learn to appreciate the smaller things in life. If only your wife could do the same!

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

You're only too glad to help out a friend who can't seem to find a love connection. They get the illusion of intimacy and you get sex with someone desperate. Perfect!

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

Do something with your partner today that benefits your community. Call the police and have them arrested. Whatever he claims, the sheep do not enjoy it.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

Keep busy in the morning, but make sure to save some time this afternoon for masturbation.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Your mood is a little low, and you might feel like turning inward. It's okay to take some time for yourself. Then none of us will have to listen to your pathetic whining.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

You're in a great position to help others this evening – drunk round the back of the nightclub with your knickers in your handbag.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

If one of your co-worker’s annoying bouts of moodiness are driving you crazy, take comfort in knowing that they have a terminal illness and will soon be dead.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Government To Consolidate All Its Debts Into One Low Monthly Payment

THE Treasury is to relax its rules on borrowing after seeing a television advert featuring Carol Vorderman.

Officials are examining how they can adapt the fiscal rules set in place by Gordon Brown over a decade ago, allowing them to pay off existing debts and borrow more, all at one low, low rate of interest.

The government is expected to secure the loan against the Royal Navy, Princess Anne and the Falkland Islands.

A senior Treasury source said: “We weren’t sure until the permanent secretary stressed that it was Carol Vorderman.

“He pointed out she was incredibly good at maths and then showed us some highlights from Countdown. Well, my God.

“Two, three, five, nine, 75 and 100 – and she still comes up with 684. Frankly, I couldn’t have been more gobsmacked if she had turned herself into a chicken.”

With tax receipts forecast to fall next year, the government believes a consolidation loan can help it to ease everyday money worries and treat itself to a ride-on lawnmower and a trip to the Grand Canyon.

The source added: “And if there’s anything left over we’ll use it to bribe the shit out of everyone just before the next election.”