Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Take your hands out of your trousers. Now!
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Mars confirms that the parcel you were expecting last week is being kept for you at Thornwood Post Office, but only until Tuesday.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The best part of dating someone new is discovering their interests, hopes, and dreams. Trust me, the holes always turn out to be pretty much the same.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Today you may feel a bit of electricity pass between you and your crush. Cheap underwear.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Yes, your hopes and wishes are important to you. But the rest of us don't give a fuck, so shut it.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Now that Pluto has arrived back in Capricorn take another look at your curtains to see if alterations need to be made.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
As tempting as it might be to rely on email and text messaging to flirt with that girl you've got your eye on, nothing beats sitting next to her on the bus and showing her your cock.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Venus moves into Aquarius this week and highlights relationships, fun and friendships, so it's going to be a quiet one for you.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
For ages you've been complaining about how certain individuals refuse to take responsibility for their end of problems. Perhaps now it's time to kill them?
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Dating success is your responsibility as much as the person you ask out. Try moving around a little and at least pretending you are enjoying it.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Jupiter hands you the role of joy bringer. Don't forget the sponge.