Your Astrological Week Ahead

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

You’ve got your eye on someone. Get it back. They might eat it.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

You certainly can’t hurry love. If you shot off any quicker it would all be over before she’s even finished asking: “Are you in yet?”

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

Has someone's arrogant behaviour been getting on your nerves? Because it has certainly been getting on ours, big head.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

Show off your artistic side by shaving off all your pubes and painting elephant ears either side of your penis. If you don’t have a penis ask a friend if you can use theirs.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

Inner beauty is important but appearances do matter, as does that strange sewage smell. Bad luck!

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

When you're with someone every day, it's easy to let things get routine. Try sleeping with some random strangers – it will give you a few new ideas. He’ll thank you in the end!

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

You don't have to wait for your partner to make the first move. You don’t even have to wait for them to wake up. That is the one big advantage of marriage.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

Do you want that promotion? Then it’s time to get down on your knees and show them you mean business!

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

A big problem at work leaves you drained and grumpy by the time you get home. Get really drunk and hit the kids.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

Don't let someone chatty derail your plans to work efficiently. If they won’t shut up, nail their tongue to your shoe.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

Your self esteem is low. Try getting drunk in a bar and going home with a stranger. When you wake up in the morning you’ll feel like a million dollars!

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Lesbians To Establish Republic Of Lesbia

THE world's 800 million lesbians are to club together and set up their own country.

They are currently scouting locations in Europe and South America where they hope to establish the People's Republic of Lesbia.

The move follows legal action by the Greek island of Lesbos who claim only their lesbians should be allowed to call themselves Lesbians, and not because they are lesbians, but because they are Lesbians.

A spokesman for Martina Navratilova, the reigning Grand High Lesbian, said: "Lesbia is going to be a really lovely place.

"There will be no need for clothes, and if two girls want to get into a big bath of custard in the middle of the town square and have a bit of tumble then that's cool.

"Apart from that it will be a daily routine of pillow fights, communal showers and rubbing oil into each other's buttocks."

Dimitri Kiriakos, the governor of Lesbos, said: "How can they be Lesbian? I Lesbian, my wife Lesbian, both my sons Lesbian and my cat Lesbian. Even Vince, the local lesbian, is Lesbian."

The International Council of Lesbians decided not to fight the latest legal challenge after their expensive and unsuccessful battle with Mary Poppins star Dick Van Dyke.