Your Astrological Week Ahead

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

You’ve got your eye on someone. Get it back. They might eat it.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

You certainly can’t hurry love. If you shot off any quicker it would all be over before she’s even finished asking: “Are you in yet?”

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

Has someone's arrogant behaviour been getting on your nerves? Because it has certainly been getting on ours, big head.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

Show off your artistic side by shaving off all your pubes and painting elephant ears either side of your penis. If you don’t have a penis ask a friend if you can use theirs.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

Inner beauty is important but appearances do matter, as does that strange sewage smell. Bad luck!

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

When you're with someone every day, it's easy to let things get routine. Try sleeping with some random strangers – it will give you a few new ideas. He’ll thank you in the end!

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

You don't have to wait for your partner to make the first move. You don’t even have to wait for them to wake up. That is the one big advantage of marriage.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

Do you want that promotion? Then it’s time to get down on your knees and show them you mean business!

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

A big problem at work leaves you drained and grumpy by the time you get home. Get really drunk and hit the kids.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

Don't let someone chatty derail your plans to work efficiently. If they won’t shut up, nail their tongue to your shoe.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

Your self esteem is low. Try getting drunk in a bar and going home with a stranger. When you wake up in the morning you’ll feel like a million dollars!