Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high, there’s a land that I dream
of where I don’t have to put up with my pig-fucking, redneck aunt and
uncle and the old bitch that’s trying to kill my dog.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Man cannot live by bread alone, unless Man has been locked in the Hovis factory during a bakers’ strike. In which case he can live by bread alone but at least he has a choice of wholemeal, white and best-of-both ranges, including rolls with the bits in.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Remember, you can always ask a policeman. Though it is traditional to ask him for directions, rather than the length and girth of his John Thomas.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
I’m afraid I’m not going to be able to sponsor you to run the marathon while dressed as the candlestick from Beauty and the Beast, but how’s about £20 to drink this mug full of Tippex?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Drawing upon your religious faith to name your children is a rare
and admirable thing these days. And Sodom and Gomorrah are lovely names.
Especially for girls.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
The 1982 Petrus is drinking very nicely right now. So no need to keep topping it up with Diet Fanta.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
It’s always bit awkward being introduced to someone’s new born baby. Try belching right in its face.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Woke up this morning feeling fine, I’ve got something special on my mind, last night I met a new girl in the neighbourhood, something tells me she’s not really 19.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Despite what the Necromicon said, bathing in virgin’s blood has not granted you eternal youth, but you do smell like a black pudding. Yummy.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
A time for making new friends this week as France gets in touch to congratulate you on the sterling way you dealt with that flotilla of aid workers.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your OCD has reached such crippling levels that you have to flick every light switch 200 times before leaving work. Maybe time to hand in your notice at B&Q.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week you will be whisked away on a five-star, round the world trip by an uncomplicated, nymphomaniac millionairess with absolutely stunning, 100% natural breasts. Can I have my money now?


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Cheese rollers defy ban on rural stereotypes

GLOUCESTERSHIRE’S ‘cheese rollers’ have defied a ban to show the world they are still drunken inbred maniacs.

The annual event, during which hundreds of people risk their lives by chasing £12.99 worth of cheese over a cliff, has been banned by those who do not understand the ways of the country.

But locals, keen that they continue to be perceived by the outside world as the collective product of shit-covered, cider-fuelled rutting between a shed full of degenerate siblings, just did it anyway.

Gloucestershire councillor Roy Hobbs said: “There is a recent trend in the media of portraying people from the West Country as being sober, welcoming and aspirational.

“But the cheese rolling helps to remind outsiders this is a region where life is cheap and demented, and that they’d be better off staying where they belong, among their own species.”

He added: “Now get off my property before I set my wives on you.”

Organisers say this year’s event went smoothly, with the only fatality being Roy Hobbs’s cousin, who was a bit of an idiot anyway.

Winner Stephen Malley said: “I can’t feel anything below the round thing that separates me head from me shoulders .”

He added: “Not that I gives a fuck. I got the fuckin’ cheese, didn’t I?”