Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
An awkward moment this week when you see your ex on the arm of somebody
who looks remarkably like you. Except he’s got hair and teeth.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You enter the European Lottery this week as it’s a rollover and clearly
anything less than £15m pounds is utterly beneath your contempt.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you will buy a tub of little cocktail sausages from M&S and realise it’s the best thing that’s happened to you since 1987. It’s okay though, they are really good.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
We need to talk. There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you. I’m really sorry but I don’t think we should see each other anymore. It’s not you, it’s me. It’s just not working out for me. We were really great, in the beginning, but now, I’m just not sure. Plus you killed my gran with a bazooka.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Just remember, quoting a famous writer makes you intelligent in exactly
the same way as waving a Van Gogh print around makes you a skilled

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You can now work out – in your head – which is going to get you more pissed per pound – three litres of 7.5% White Lightning for £4 or two litres of 9% Special Brew for £5. Bet you can’t wait to rub your maths teacher’s face in it.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
If you’re unsure whether you really love your partner or you’ve just told them a massive lie, try waiting until you’re hugging them before looking to one side with a troubled glance. Just like in Eastenders.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week you will do something stupid and thoughtless that you’ve done at least five times before because you’re a moron.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
I’ve had the time of my life, and I owe it all to you. We did say a hundred quid an hour, didn’t we? Smashing.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You have been hiding your forbidden relationship with the sister of a Puerto Rican gang leader, but why don’t you tell the finger-clicking little ponce to do one? What’s he going to do? Dance at you?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
A tense game of charades at your in-laws’ house when, during the film round, you have to act out Trailerpark Whores Go Anal. Using the dog did not help in the slightest.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
If you or someone you know has been affected by any of the issues raised in these horoscopes, do us a favour and piss off.


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Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I used to have a loving boyfriend who treated me like a princess. However, since the World Cup began, my boyfriend has been spending every single waking hour either watching football or talking about football, and barely acknowledges my presence. I’ve even tried to show an interest in football just to get him to talk to me, but as soon as I open my mouth to discuss the offside rule and how it makes me feel, he just blows a vuvuzela in my face and turns back to the telly again. Do you think I should place an official complaint with FIFA?

Dear Lorraine,
The sooner you realise that ladies and football don’t mix, the happier you’ll be. Girls have lots of other, more fun sports available to them, such as netball, hockey, or the egg and spoon race. Your boyfriend is simply indicating that football is far more important than some stupid girl and that you need to go and play with your dollies for a while. If you keep on trying to talk about football, people will start writing things about you in the toilets, such as ‘Lorraine is a big fat lezzer’. If I were you I’d stop worrying, get out your favourite tea set and forget all about having a boyfriend until this is all over.
Hope that helps!