Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
An awkward moment this week when you see your ex on the arm of somebody
who looks remarkably like you. Except he’s got hair and teeth.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You enter the European Lottery this week as it’s a rollover and clearly
anything less than Â£15m pounds is utterly beneath your contempt.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you will buy a tub of little cocktail sausages from M&S and realise it’s the best thing that’s happened to you since 1987. It’s okay though, they are really good.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
We need to talk. Thereâ€™s something I’ve been meaning to tell you. I’m really sorry but I don’t think we should see each other anymore. It’s not you, it’s me. It’s just not working out for me. We were really great, in the beginning, but now, I’m just not sure. Plus you killed my gran with a bazooka.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Just remember, quoting a famous writer makes you intelligent in exactly
the same way as waving a Van Gogh print around makes you a skilled
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You can now work out – in your head – which is going to get you more pissed per pound – three litres of 7.5% White Lightning for Â£4 or two litres of 9% Special Brew for Â£5. Bet you can’t wait to rub your maths teacher’s face in it.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
If you’re unsure whether you really love your partner or you’ve just told them a massive lie, try waiting until you’re hugging them before looking to one side with a troubled glance. Just like in Eastenders.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week you will do something stupid and thoughtless that you’ve done at least five times before because you’re a moron.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
I’ve had the time of my life, and I owe it all to you. We did say a hundred quid an hour, didn’t we? Smashing.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You have been hiding your forbidden relationship with the sister of a Puerto Rican gang leader, but why don’t you tell the finger-clicking little ponce to do one? What’s he going to do? Dance at you?
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
A tense game of charades at your in-laws’ house when, during the film round, you have to act out Trailerpark Whores Go Anal. Using the dog did not help in the slightest.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
If you or someone you know has been affected by any of the issues raised in these horoscopes, do us a favour and piss off.