Big Brother Comes To An End As Everyone Just Gives Up

BIG Brother was brought quietly to a close last night as the entire production team decided to do something else with their lives.

The moment of collective realisation came as a dwarf and an amputee licked custard-flavoured gunk off a rockabilly lesbian’s breasts in an attempt to win the housemates a Cannon and Ball-themed food fight.

Producer, Julian Cook, said: “An odd silence descended on the studio. We all just looked at each other, as if searching for some kind of answer.

“I remembered that many years ago I felt something happening in my brain. Let’s call it hope, maybe dreams. I had a vague notion that my life would be worthwhile.

“Then I looked across at my assistant and realised she was crying. Great heaving sobs. She looked at me and said ‘Jules, I can’t do this anymore’ and we held each other as the crew filtered out one by one. No-one said a word.”

He added: “Just as I was about to lock up a junior researcher popped back in to double check that she didn’t have to enter the house at 4am to do a shit in Sunshine’s bed. I pulled her close, kissed her on the check and whispered ‘no, it’s over, go home to your family’.”

As a final act Cook replaced the live feed with archive footage of an otter family playing on some rocks while executives at Endemol and the viewing public think about what they have done.

Former production coordinator Helen Archer said: “I’m going to get in my car and just keep driving until I find a short-staffed owl sanctuary.”

She added: “The world is suddenly a wonderful place, full of vivid colours and kindness. Although every time I see a crow it reminds me of Davina McCall.”


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Britain Trying Not To Imagine What Katie Price Perfume Smells Like

BRITAIN was last night trying desperately not to think about what Katie Price branded perfume actually smells like.

As the product was withdrawn from Superdrug, people across the country were gripped by terrifying images of fat, sweaty, working class women reeking of dirty, open air sex and empty chicken buckets.

Joanna Kramer, an accountant from Hitchin, said: “When I close my eyes all I can see is the tops of their chests glistening with beads of grimy perspiration as they lunge from one bottle of Bacardi Breezer to the next while talking about their latest rash.

“Then one of them lets out an enormous belch and reaches down into her pants for a scratch and that’s when the smell hits me.

“At first it seems not entirely unpleasant, a bit like a glass of Ribena that’s been left under a heat lamp.

“But as it oozes further back into my nostrils I start to get a sense of a warm, summer afternoon at a landfill site, shortly after the arrival of a large truck filled with out-of-date haddock.

“And as that cocktail crash lands at the back of my throat there comes the second and more powerful wave which is the unmistakeable and all pervading stench of a greasy cage fighter, fresh from the ring and ready to mate with his female.”

She added: “Apparently the children making this stuff were paid as much as 29p an hour. I’d have sacked the lot of them.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “I am fascinated by the idea that the men who have sex with women who wear Katie Price perfume actually care what they smell like.”

“And I would add that if you’re going to Superdrug to buy a perfume with Katie Price’s name on it, disguising your natural odour is incredibly far down the list of things you need to do something about.”