NORTH Koreans were celebrating last night after their team’s
long-predicted 8-0 thrashing of decadent capitalist Brazil.
Footage of Korea’s nine-foot tall players scoring goal after goal past a weeping and unusually Oriental-looking Brazilian side was beamed across the country to over 35 million people, 11 million more than its actual population.
The first three goals saw their goalkeeper earn the 47th hat-trick of his career, with the last being a remarkable bicycle kick from the halfway line.
Each goal was celebrated by the players running to the corner flag and delivering an impassioned five-minute lecture on the nation’s rising factory productivity to a rapt crowd of 52,000 Korean fans.
Tom Logan, World Cup analyst at Madeley-Finnegan, said: “North Korea’s footage differs significantly from the rest of the world, inasmuch as Ellis Park appeared to be a dilapidated velodrome on an industrial estate and Korea’s fourth and seventh goal was exactly the same footage.”
But Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Il said: “Our glorious players showed what discipline, moral fortitude and being repeatedly beaten can achieve. I personally coached the team myself, shortly after writing my 375th novel Super Kim Slays Moth-Ra & Has Sexy Fun With Madonna, and fighting a bear with a claw hammer.”
A North Korean government spokesman added: “Some may think they remember a goalkeeper called Ri Myong-Guk. They are mistaken. If anybody meets somebody claiming to be a member of his family, they are actually Western demons and should be shot on sight.”
North Korean fan Jong-Se Park said: “Much appreciation and fraternal joy to the mighty footballers of our land! I do so hope my family can please be released unharmed so they can witness the ultimate triumph in the final!”