More People Bringing Vuvuzelas To The Office

THE World Cup has seen a sharp rise in the number of people bringing their vuvuzelas to work with them.

The Confederation of British Industry said an increasing number of UK offices are coming alive to the vibrant sound of happy workers blowing into their plastic African trumpets without a care in the world.

Helen Archer, a solicitor from Hatfield, said: “It usually starts with one person blowing theirs for no particular reason, then a few more people join in and within 30 seconds you have an utterly deafening racket that lasts for seven or eight minutes before it gradually starts to fizzle out.

“At the moment, that’s happening about three or four times an hour.”

Nathan Muir, an accountant from Stevenage, said: “I bought this thing about three years ago to help me communicate less effectively with my wife, but I didn’t realise it had workplace applications. How fantastic.

“I shall obviously use it to fanfare my arrival and departure, but I think I’ll also take it with me to the lavatory so that I can proclaim the birth of my morning shit.”

Roy Hobbs, a marketing consultant from Finsbury Park, added: “I find it very useful when the office manager is trying to talk to me about my mileage claims.

“She holds up the sheet and points at various numbers, attempting to make what I have no doubt are some very valid points and I take a deep breath and stare at her blankly while letting out a sustained PAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARP until she goes away.

“I fucking love this thing”

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Microsoft Unveils Xbox That Plays Itself

THE new Xbox allows gamers to reclaim their lives by playing itself, it was revealed last night.

Microsoft’s Xbox Onani is the world’s first entirely self-operated games console, and requires no human intervention after being removed from the box and plugged into a television.

A spokesman said: “Onani just gets on with it, ploughing doggedly through Medal of Honour until 4am on a school night so you don’t have to. All you have to do is not stand on it.”

He added: “The console will not allow you to interact with it in any way whatsoever, indeed if you attempt to do so it will emit an electrical charge powerful enough to take down a female Australian.

“Thus you are now free to enjoy those small fragments of your life that do not involve staring at colours and shapes.”

Xbox Onani features groundbreaking graphics and sound capacity, allowing it to give itself a mind-blowing gaming experience.

Its online capacity allows it to connect with other consoles around the world for multi-machine action, although Microsoft insists that any resulting network of advanced artificial intelligence would be too addicted to the new Ninja Gaiden to conspire against humanity.

Xbox Onani owner Tom Logan said: “As a former Xbox junkie, the Onani has given me my spare time back.

“My wife and I have started watching television again – it’s great for us to be able to sit down together in total silence and let Britain’s Most Haunted wash over us like a sea of piss.”