Christopher Eccleston Claims He Was Doctor Who

SURLY actor Christopher Eccleston has claimed he was the star of Doctor Who.

Eccleston insists he played the Doctor from March to October 2005 but then stopped because he did not want to become typecast as the sort of actor that isn’t in one grim northern drama after another.

But Stephen Malley, a grade five Whovianist from Peterborough, said: “Well he certainly hasn’t become typecast because I’ve no idea who he is.

“Occasionally you do get actors, desperate for publicity, suddenly popping up and claiming they were Doctor Who at some point. The last time it was John Sessions.”

Eccleston, who is about to squeeze all the joy out of John Lennon in a new BBC drama, told the Radio Times that he ‘did not enjoy the environment and the culture’ of the show, adding: “I thought if I stay in this job, I’m going to have to blind myself to certain things that I thought were wrong.”

But Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “By ‘wrong’ he probably meant working past six o’clock at night in contravention of EU working directives, or doing episodes that were not about how Thatcherism destroyed Bolton.

“Unless of course he is claiming that Doctor Who is actually a front for heroin smuggling and under-age goat sex.”

Eccleston has carved out a sort of career for himself after appearing in the landmark 37-part BBC drama London is Fucking Shit, before going on to star in a series of miserable Jimmy McGovern classics including Bastards and Why Won’t it Stop Raining?.

The pair later teamed up for a dismally unsuccessful reworking of the children’s adventure series Monkey where Eccleston played a disillusioned trade union activist who could magically transform himself into a library for working class children.


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Hard-Up Public Sector Pensioners 'Will Sing U2 Songs In Tube Stations'

A CUT in public sector pensions will lead to lots of decrepit leftists singing U2 songs in tube stations to make ends meet, it was warned last night.

Economists said that while people with real jobs would derive an eye-boggling sexual pleasure from cutting public sector pensions, it will also lead to an increase in ghastly socialist busking.

Julian Cook, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “Do we really want some 67 year-old former diversity auditor belting out Pride (In the Name of Love) in exchange for a few coins he will then use to buy a fair trade kumquat and a copy of National Geographic that he won’t even read?

“Maybe better to give them the pension, but on condition they use it to buy Edwina Currie novels, genetically modified American beef products and a dirty great Jag.”

Cook said the pension cut would also force them to empty out their left-wing attics leaving eBay overrun with signed photos of Poly Toynbee while car boot sales will be flooded with copies of Will Hutton’s dimwitted books about how to spend other people’s money.

He added: “I suspect that, as a society, we are going to have to look beyond the simple issue of pounds and pence and instead do whatever it takes to ensure these people do not enjoy so much as a nano-second of their twilight years.”

Martin Bishop, pensions analyst at Madeley-Finnegan, said: “Private sector pensioners with no money tend to get proper retirement jobs like wiping up the toddler puke in aisle seven, appearing as an extra in Midsomer Murders or doing weird Japanese pornography.

“But public sector workers will simply use their poverty as an excuse to carry on inflicting their twisted world view through the lyrics of Bono and quite possibly Chris Martin.”

He added: “What if we agree to three U2 songs a fortnight but if they even think about doing Billy Bragg you’re allowed to strangle them with your belt?”