Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
If you can’t stand the heat get out of the kitchen, take your top off and then get back in the kitchen and cook my fucking dinner.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Young girl, get out of my mind, my love for you is way out of line, better run girl… but I will give you a head start. Lucky St Mary’s lets you wear trainers.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
If Forrest Gump has taught us anything, it’s that being stupid, serving
your country and not asking questions leads to untold riches, but
bucking the system, protesting and thinking for yourself means YOU WILL
GET AIDS AND YOU WILL DIE. You’re going to be just fine.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
It’s your big break in showbiz this week as you stand behind Tony Hutchinson in Hollyoaks pretending to be a nurse.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Watching the World Cup, a small frisson of mortality runs through your body as you realise you’re older than most of the players in the competition and you’d probably have a lot more in common with John Motson.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me…FUCK you I won’t do what you
tell me!…FUCK YOU I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME! Unless of course
there’s some nice cake in the offing…

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Can someone please tell Capricorn he’s going to have a terrible week blighted with pulsating warts? He’s not going to see this himself as he’s got the reading age of a used condom.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Thanks to your ‘hilarious’ banter with, and impersonations of, the manager of your local Indian takeaway, this weeks sees you surpass Jenna Jameson for the amount of semen consumed in a lifetime.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Remember, there’s only so many hours in the day so if your boss is being unreasonable, use about three of them fantasising about all the different ways you could disembowel the fucker.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You are in a queue. Thank you for holding. Your call is important to us. Did you know that you can find out all the information about us on our website, Press 1 for ‘aaaaaaargh’, press 2 for ‘a bit pissed’ or 3 for ‘not happy with my wash’.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Freud would say that you want to kill your father and have sex with your mother. There must be something in it because having met them, so do I.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Difficulties with your passport application this week, as the only referee you can find is a 42-year-old crack whore named Geoff.

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Fat Causes Fatness, Say Experts

THE fat that is in food could be the same as the fat that is in people, experts claimed last night.

Calling for a ban on food fat, researchers said that millions of consumers were eating it without even knowing that it could be the same stuff that makes up 90% of their bottoms.

Julian Cook, from Reading University, said: “It does seem to be mainly beige foods, like pie and crisps and chips and I suspect that’s where we’ve been going wrong.

“For decades it was assumed that it was the beige that was making everyone so fat. That’s why we advised people to stop eating sand and waxed pine furniture.

“Plus, Fern Britton wears a lot of beige, so it wasn’t like we were just guessing.”

He added: “We did some lab tests by putting tracksuit bottoms on a monkey, but that proved inconclusive. It was then that I turned to my enormous lab assistant Roy in exasperation, but he said he was too busy eating a load of chips and crisps.

“On a hunch, I asked Roy if he ate a lot of crisps and he said yes, he liked all food that contained ‘fat’. It’s not often scientists get to say ‘eureka’, but I did feel as if I had just cracked a large one.

“We’re currently working very hard to find out what ‘fat’ is, but it does sound very similar to ‘fat’ and is even spelled the same way. And as you know, scientists don’t believe in coincidence. Not really big ones anyway.”

Mother-of-two Nikki Hollis said: “It sounds like some crazy superstition. But on the other hand, they are experts. I’m torn.”

And cake enthusiast Stephen Malley added: “If you could see my belly button you’d notice it doesn’t still have have an umbilical cord attached and that’s because I wasn’t born yesterday.

“It’s caused by beige. Even a child knows that.”