Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
If you can’t stand the heat get out of the kitchen, take your top off and then get back in the kitchen and cook my fucking dinner.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Young girl, get out of my mind, my love for you is way out of line, better run girl… but I will give you a head start. Lucky St Mary’s lets you wear trainers.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
If Forrest Gump has taught us anything, it’s that being stupid, serving
your country and not asking questions leads to untold riches, but
bucking the system, protesting and thinking for yourself means YOU WILL
GET AIDS AND YOU WILL DIE. You’re going to be just fine.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
It’s your big break in showbiz this week as you stand behind Tony Hutchinson in Hollyoaks pretending to be a nurse.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Watching the World Cup, a small frisson of mortality runs through your body as you realise you’re older than most of the players in the competition and you’d probably have a lot more in common with John Motson.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me…FUCK you I won’t do what you
tell me!…FUCK YOU I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME! Unless of course
there’s some nice cake in the offing…
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Can someone please tell Capricorn he’s going to have a terrible week blighted with pulsating warts? He’s not going to see this himself as he’s got the reading age of a used condom.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Thanks to your ‘hilarious’ banter with, and impersonations of, the manager of your local Indian takeaway, this weeks sees you surpass Jenna Jameson for the amount of semen consumed in a lifetime.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Remember, there’s only so many hours in the day so if your boss is being unreasonable, use about three of them fantasising about all the different ways you could disembowel the fucker.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You are in a queue. Thank you for holding. Your call is important to us. Did you know that you can find out all the information about us on our website, www.samaritans.org.uk? Press 1 for ‘aaaaaaargh’, press 2 for ‘a bit pissed’ or 3 for ‘not happy with my wash’.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Freud would say that you want to kill your father and have sex with your mother. There must be something in it because having met them, so do I.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Difficulties with your passport application this week, as the only referee you can find is a 42-year-old crack whore named Geoff.