EDUCATION spending cuts will be managed by sending the dimmest quarter of pupils home to spend more time with their chew toys.
Testing will ensure that anyone unable to get more than 96% in exams will be given a largely-pictorial note for their parents telling them they are on their own.
Chancellor George Osborne said: “We’re not denying the country another Newton – 25% fewer stupid kids will mean year on year savings in plasticine and plasticine removal surgery.”
Under the cost-cutting reforms teachers will be trained to identify a pupil’s STP, or Stupidity Tipping Point, via key signs such as an aptitude for PE.
Once the STP has been reached, the teacher throws a ball into the street, waits for the child to chase it and then bolts the door.
Mr Osborne added: “There has to come a point when schools accept that continuing to throw education at certain children is as much a waste of taxpayer’s money as an NHS hospital giving physiotherapy to an amputated foot.”
The cuts will be phased in over four years with an immediate Â£68m saving from teachers not phoning their most cretinous pupils every morning to remind them they have to go to school.
Professor Henry Brubaker, who is advising the government on cutting the higher education budget, said: “I think we’ll start by making A Levels a bit more University Challenge and a bit less Catchphrase.
“And it might be an idea to try and shift higher education away from resembling, to all intents and purposes, a big, pissed-up creche.”