Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree? Because Olivia Newton John completely fails to mention it.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your date goes downhill when it becomes obvious that the strange smell overpowering the Thai curry she has ordered is coming directly from your groin.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
When I tap on the dashboard, I want you to perform an emergency stop. And when I come sprinting out of HSBC, firing my shotgun indiscriminately, I want you to floor the fucker.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Now that England have been knocked out of the World Cup, that St George flag in your window is starting to make you look a bit right-wing. As is the life-sized cardboard cut-out of Herman Goering on your lawn.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week you are called out in the middle of the night to investigate a power cut but end up being violently intimidated by an enormous space ship. After several weeks of abusing your mash potato and filling your living room with mud, you eventually make for a big mountain in Wyoming where luckily the government is planning a musical evening with the aliens who ruined your life. After looking a bit confused and desperate a Frenchman says you can join the aliens on board their mother ship which then takes off, seemingly never to return. Well done for abandoning your kids, you deadbeat weirdo.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Well you can tell by the way I use my walk, I’m a woman’s man – no time for talk. Actually, that came out a lot more rapey than I’d planned.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If you’ve got vegetarians coming to your barbecue this weekend, try to make an extra effort on their behalf by closing the curtains, turning the music off and pretending you’re not in.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Shed 7, Maroon 5. End to end stuff.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your boss is renowned for calling a spade a spade, which is why he’s been up before the Racial Equalities Commission 28 times.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your natural revulsion for shellfish is heightened this week after somebody points out that prawns are merely woodlice with swimming certificates.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
While the authorship of many of Shakespeare’s sonnets has been questioned, he definitely did not write the one about the girl from Nantucket. So stop saying he did.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The next time you’re hurling abuse at somebody on television, just remember they have more money, work satisfaction and memories in the wank bank than you could achieve in 87 lifetimes. Even James Corden. Would you like to be alone now?