Your Astrological Week Ahead With…

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Fate will bring you something that you didn't expect. That's what he does. What did you expect? A song and a fucking tap dance?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
If you've recently experienced problems in your relationship zone that will be because Mercury was going backwards. And nothing whatsoever to do with your continual drunken infidelity.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The end of your first week at your new work will be marred slightly after your colleagues inform you it's "Dress-Nazi Friday".

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Suffering from a mild case of writer’s block in your isolated lakeside log cabin? Why not develop a murderous alter ego and then kill your ex-wife and her lover and bury them in the garden. That should free up the old prose style a little.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The direct motion of Mercury removes any confusion in communications, as the moon highlights your social life and the sun generates some interesting shadow effects from your anal warts.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Remember that teacher that inspired you and made you believe you could achieve anything? Yep. Six years and a lifetime on the register.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The ongoing clash of Saturn and Uranus continues to create major problems for your work and career. Why can't they just sort themselves out and leave you out of it? Arseholes.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Don't give up, there's a new sense of purpose just around the corner. Although it might be the corner after that. If not, give up then.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
With the number of voices currently in your head, surely one of them must be talking some sense? How about the one that keeps suggesting stuff to do with the garden shears?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
OK, you've proved your point. You were right. So just let it go, alright. I said let it go. Jesus.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
After spending your whole life in dimly-lit rooms talking to other geeks over the internet, you have the opportunity for a beautiful dominatrix to whisk you away, shag your brains out, teach you kung fu and tell you you're the saviour of mankind. But instead, you take the blue pill and wake up in a puddle of your own man juice.