Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Our destiny can be shaped from birth, and this is certainly the case with you as you continue to flail through life screaming, covered in lumpy slime and being slapped by complete strangers.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week your place as Andy's favourite toy is jeopardised by the arrival of an exciting astronaut adventurer who makes you look tired and immensely boring. Don't worry too much though, as you'll all be tossed into a skip the very second he discovers how to give himself an orgasm.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your recently buoyant mood and unprecedented popularity following a successful televised debate soon evaporates as one of your colleagues is found in Soho, hanging out the back of a chicken.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You talkin' to me? You talkin' to ME? What? Oh, I thought you were. My apologies.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Teenage dreams so hard to beat, every time she walks down the street. Another girl in the neighbourhood, wish she was mine, she looks so good. But, y'know, what with you being on the register and everything…
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your colleague has clearly marked their coffee mug with a waterproof pen, so there's little excuse when you're found in the gents dipping your balls into it.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Mindful of getting your five portions a day, this week sees you switching to lemon-scented bleach as your after-work tipple of choice.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your joke application to become manager of Liverpool FC in order to get the dole off your case backfires as you're hired and soon find yourself having to answer to a city full of whingeing criminals.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
H Samuel asks you to take your custom elsewhere this week as you return an unwanted engagement ring for the seventh time in six months.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Difficult times recently as a mix-up in the printers sees the self-help book you bought feature several chapters from Bravo Two Zero and you're arrested for the de-Baathification of your local kebab shop.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your social life has been hectic this month as the voices in your head and the evil spirit that lives in your radiators both start arguing with the messages you've been receiving via your fillings.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
God grant you the courage to change what you cannot accept, the serenity to accept what you cannot change and the common decency to shut the fuck up about it.