Taurus (April 20-May 20)
After establishing that it’s not a competency issue, a personality clash
or a gap in training needs, your are finally dismissed for coming into
work on ‘casual Friday’ dressed as Der Fuhrer.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week the forest cottage you’re holidaying in is sucked into a hellish vortex after a prolonged battle with demonic witches and man-eating trees. Fucking Welsh tourist board adverts.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
It’s time to realise that nobody will take you seriously as the Professor of Political Science at the LSE if you keep giggling like a school girl every time Dermot Murnaghan says ‘hung parliament’.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you will make a vast amount of money speculating on the collapse of the single European currency while everything around you burns to the ground. Nicely done.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
While you shouldn’t believe everything you read, you should probably give some consideration to the blood spattered piece of paper with the cut-out letters that was wrapped around a human toe.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week a tired looking man who is just trying to have a quiet pint will ask you and your stupid bloody friends to just shut the fuck up for five minutes.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Love can take on many different forms. Just as well, you fat cow.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’re thrown out of your local Neighbourhood Watch meeting despite proving your dedication to the cause by listing the precise times everyone went to bed for the last six months.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Why not try to recreate the summery, beer garden vibe by allowing a bunch of tattooed locals to sit on your patio, giving you dirty looks while smoking knocked-off fags and over-using the c-word.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Baby you can drive my car. Baby you can drive my car. Baby you can drive my car, but you obviously can’t park it.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you finally accept that the election is lost and decide to use the third TV debate to incriminate your smarmy, shit-eating predecessor using incontrovertible documentary evidence. Seriously, best of luck.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You do not know the meaning of the word ‘impossible’. Or the words ‘recalcitrant’, ‘homogeneous’ or ‘iconoclast’. Are you Fern Britton?