Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
After establishing that it’s not a competency issue, a personality clash
or a gap in training needs, your are finally dismissed for coming into
work on ‘casual Friday’ dressed as Der Fuhrer.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week the forest cottage you’re holidaying in is sucked into a hellish vortex after a prolonged battle with demonic witches and man-eating trees. Fucking Welsh tourist board adverts.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
It’s time to realise that nobody will take you seriously as the Professor of Political Science at the LSE if you keep giggling like a school girl every time Dermot Murnaghan says ‘hung parliament’.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you will make a vast amount of money speculating on the collapse of the single European currency while everything around you burns to the ground. Nicely done.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
While you shouldn’t believe everything you read, you should probably give some consideration to the blood spattered piece of paper with the cut-out letters that was wrapped around a human toe.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week a tired looking man who is just trying to have a quiet pint will ask you and your stupid bloody friends to just shut the fuck up for five minutes.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Love can take on many different forms. Just as well, you fat cow.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’re thrown out of your local Neighbourhood Watch meeting despite proving your dedication to the cause by listing the precise times everyone went to bed for the last six months.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Why not try to recreate the summery, beer garden vibe by allowing a bunch of tattooed locals to sit on your patio, giving you dirty looks while smoking knocked-off fags and over-using the c-word.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Baby you can drive my car. Baby you can drive my car. Baby you can drive my car, but you obviously can’t park it.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you finally accept that the election is lost and decide to use the third TV debate to incriminate your smarmy, shit-eating predecessor using incontrovertible documentary evidence. Seriously, best of luck.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You do not know the meaning of the word ‘impossible’. Or the words ‘recalcitrant’, ‘homogeneous’ or ‘iconoclast’. Are you Fern Britton?


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for a couple of months and things are starting to get heavy. We’ve done practically everything except full intercourse, and I think I’m ready to take things to the next stage and let him stay over the whole night. The only problem is, I’m not sure how to divert the care assistant’s attention long enough to sneak Walter into my room. Any suggestions?
Treetops Residential Nursing Home,

Dear Edna,
Should you manage to get your friend to stay the night, just bear in mind that you never really know someone until they’ve come to your house for a sleepover. Had I known in advance that Alice Paterson was such a square, I would never have invited her in the first place. Everyone knows that at a sleepover you do lots of naughty, secret things. like have a midnight snack under the covers, practice kissing on your forearm, and use the Ouija board to contact Satan. Granted, things got a little spooky when the board spelled out HTYIP KILL ALICE FUSLFNA (I honestly wasn’t pushing it), but that was no reason for Alice to get all precious and go blabbing to her parents. Thanks to her we all had to see the school guidance counsellor and I’m not allowed my friends over to stay again for at least a month. What you need to learn from this is that if you’re going to invite anyone over to your house, obviously ensure you stock up on flumps and fun size Mars bars, but additionally, check to make sure you haven’t invited anyone who’s dad is a colonel in the Salvation Army.
Hope that helps!