Skanky Shop Dummies To Entertain Bored, Angry Men

BUXOM, whorish dummies are set to give some respite to bad-tempered men in clothes shops.

The well-proportioned mannequins will be fitted with cheap, too-tight clothing and wear lurid make-up to create an impression of low self-esteem and easy fuckability.

Some will be positioned as if they are bending over to pick up a cigarette lighter, while the facial expressions will range from ‘sultry wink’ to ‘recently emerged from stifling, long term relationship and ready to party with your balls’.

Nikki Hollis, boss of women’s clothes giant Big Shop, said: “A man surrounded by thousands of ‘tops’ that all look basically the same is a pathetic sight. A bit like a pig in a slaughterhouse, but one that desperately wants to die.

“By whoring-up the mannequins they will be able to fantasise quietly while their partners squeeze optimistically into clothes they will almost certainly be returning a week later. And so the process begins anew.”

She added: “It’s not a particularly big leap. The standard window dummies have always had pert breasts and nipples like ship’s rivets.

“But they also had that arrogant, I’m-far-to-good-for-the-likes-of-you expression and tight little mouths that clearly weren’t built for sucking.”

Psychologist Dr Julian Cook, said: “Just ten minutes of vivid fantasy can leave the average British man feeling mentally refreshed, making him more alert, energetic and willing to go to at least three more shops.

“But I would suggest that if the high street fashion chains really want this to work effectively they should probably have more of the skanky mannequins in just their bra and panties.

“Actually, on second thoughts, lose the bra and let’s pretend the panties had to be thrown out after a nasty pillow fight.”

 

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Adrian Chiles 'Racially Abused A Badger'

ANIMAL rights protesters have condemned Adrian Chiles after footage showed him shouting ‘half breed’ at a frightened badger.

A BBC crew filming at a Carlisle animal shelter were shocked to hear Chiles demanding the hedgehogs be forced into labour camps and call for the repatriation of shrews.

Cameraman Tom Logan said: “He launched into this incoherent ramble, denouncing the inferior gypsy blood of Mrs Tiggywinkle and insisted that work would set the woodland creatures free.

“But the weird thing was that despite his aggression and wanton cruelty, because of his Birmingham accent it had no credibility whatsoever. A bit like a tattooed, skinhead Jasper Carrott asking you who you’re looking at, over and over again.”

Meanwhile, the partially-melted presenter has left the BBC a week earlier than planned after he was found in the Blue Peter Italian sunken garden with Barney, the programme’s dachshund, in a vicious headlock.

Security guard Charlie Reeves said: “He was wheeling around the pond with a bottle of Scotch, spraying piss like a burst water main and screaming at a nearby owl to fly back to ‘Owlvania’.

“When I asked him to let go of Barney he called me a ‘Setter-lover’ and a traitor to my species.”

An RSPCA spokesman said: “It’s obvious to anyone watching his treatment of Martin Keown on MOTD2 that Chiles has a real problem with animals, not to mention the chapter in his 2007 book when he accused Villa-supporting moles of conspiring to get West Brom relegated.”

Chiles has insisted that recent events will not affect his coverage of the 2010 World Cup, adding: “As long as them bastard Arctic Terns remember which country they should be cheering for.”