Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
If you can remove an item that appears on both sides of an equation, Foghorn Leghorn’s name can be simplified to Fog Leg.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
“She had a head for figures and a figure for head. She did double-entry if you bought her a dry enough Martini”. Your accountancy noir novel is going well.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
If family values are the glue that holds society together, resentful drunken get-togethers are the Swarfega that dissolves it again.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A bad start to the week on Monday when you leave the house having wrecked yourself without bothering to check yourself beforehand.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
No word from the BBC on your suggestion that, when Hulk gets substituted for Brazil, he should walk off the pitch to mournful music while he thumbs a lift over his shoulder.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
After a week with no caffeine it’s really made a difference – you constantly feel knackered and annoyed, like you just helped a total arsehole move house.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Like apple crumble do you, Nick Clegg? JUST LIKE YOUR ELECTION PROMISES CRUMBLED? Yeah.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
On Tuesday you will answer all questions via a sock puppet, which doesn’t entirely help in your industrial tribunal.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Well can you at least give me the postcode to Sesame Street so I can stick it in my Satnav?
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Turns out you were behind in your payments for your correctly-sold PPI and you owe the bank four grand. Maybe you should have kept schtum.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your hangovers have taken on such epic proportions you’ve taken to hanging a ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ sign on your bed before going to sleep.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Amanda Lamb, a plan, Panama.