Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
If you can remove an item that appears on both sides of an equation, Foghorn Leghorn’s name can be simplified to Fog Leg.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
“She had a head for figures and a figure for head. She did double-entry if you bought her a dry enough Martini”. Your accountancy noir novel is going well.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
If family values are the glue that holds society together, resentful drunken get-togethers are the Swarfega that dissolves it again.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A bad start to the week on Monday when you leave the house having wrecked yourself without bothering to check yourself beforehand.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
No word from the BBC on your suggestion that, when Hulk gets substituted for Brazil, he should walk off the pitch to mournful music while he thumbs a lift over his shoulder.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
After a week with no caffeine it’s really made a difference – you constantly feel knackered and annoyed, like you just helped a total arsehole move house.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Like apple crumble do you, Nick Clegg? JUST LIKE YOUR ELECTION PROMISES CRUMBLED? Yeah.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
On Tuesday you will answer all questions via a sock puppet, which doesn’t entirely help in your industrial tribunal.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Well can you at least give me the postcode to Sesame Street so I can stick it in my Satnav?

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Turns out you were behind in your payments for your correctly-sold PPI and you owe the bank four grand. Maybe you should have kept schtum.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your hangovers have taken on such epic proportions you’ve taken to hanging a ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ sign on your bed before going to sleep.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Amanda Lamb, a plan, Panama.

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Danger Mouse to get gritty origin story

A NEW version of Danger Mouse will reveal how the main character lost an eye during torture.

The CBBC series Danger Mouse: Origins will be more hard-edged than the 1980s children’s cartoon, focusing on how Danger Mouse sacrificed a normal life for a career in espionage and his obsessive pursuit of the evil toad Baron Greenback.

Co-creator Brian Cosgrove said: “Beginning in the midst of the Cold War, we see DM go from being an idealistic young MI6 mouse to a compromised borderline alcoholic living in a pillar box in central London.

“He questions everything he believes in when he is ordered to help the CIA overthrow a democratically elected government in South America, and witnesses an army death squad massacring civilians from his tiny flying car.”

Children will also finally find out how Danger Mouse got his trademark eye patch. After being captured by Baron Greenback’s hench-toads, a merciless beating with lengths of steel cable resulted in the loss of his left eye.

Six-year-old Tom Logan said: “It was good but I think Danger Mouse should have given electric shocks to the Al Quaeda pigeons himself, instead of letting the Syrian security badgers do all his dirty work.

“Also making Penfold gay didn’t really add anything.”