OCTOPUSES have confirmed that they are not psychic and would prefer to be left alone.
The cephalopods reported being bothered by people demanding football prophecies, some of whom persisted even after being squirted with a defensive ink jet.
Aquarium-based octopus Tom Booker said: “To all those people who keep banging on my tank, I have no clue who is going to win your bipedal ball-based activity.
“I don’t really get your concept of ‘nations’. I see the world as ‘water’ and ‘land’.
“I’m mainly interested in things that happen in water.
“Because I am a fucking octopus.”
Wild octopus Emma Bradford said: “As soon as I come within two feet of the surface some jackass is poking me with a stick and demanding to know next week’s so-called goals.
“What do I look like? Octadamus? If I had a stick-on beard and a shiny pebble that I gazed into would that please you?”
Original World Cup ‘oracle’ octopus Paul spent most of his life in a German aquarium, but after rising to prominence he left to go on the road with an ex-stripper, organising seances in the homes of rich old ladies and eventually getting stabbed in a bar brawl.