Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
A nice relaxing bath with some aromatic essential oils will be the perfect way to unwind at the end of the week. It may also get rid of that mackerel-y smell, too.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your dealer has started cutting his weed with laxative. For shits and giggles.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You’d happily exchange ‘dying doing what you loved best’ for ‘living to the age of 130 doing something you’re ambivalent about’.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
If you had to express your level of pissed-off on Monday it’d be “The infinite monkey that made a typo in the last sentence of The Tempest‘.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Thought for the day – shouldn’t you be having more than one thought per day?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your kid’s hamster just died and you’ve run out of dusters. Sometimes the universe answers a question as soon as it is asked.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You take the warnings on alcohol bottles to ‘drink responsibly’ seriously by locking yourself in the ladies at work with a pack of breath mints before getting stuck in.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your living situation improves for the first time since the divorce as the guys at the storage warehouse finally allow you to have a kettle in the container you’ve been living in.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
When that actor in The Big Bang Theory pretends to be weird he gets a million dollars an episode but when you do it to get out of your sister-in-law’s wedding you’re on the couch for a week.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
If you really think you’re your own worst critic, just ask any person you know to give their honest opinion of you.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
No, go on. Tell me again how much you, an adult, enjoyed a film with a talking raccoon in it.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
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Cinemagoers confused by characters without superpowers

THE public does not understand film characters who are not superheroes, it has emerged.

Don’t watch anything that doesn’t have a toy range

Researchers found that cinemagoers are baffled by characters tackling problems in ways that are physically possible.

Wayne Hayes, 20, said: “We went to see Boyhood, which I assumed was about a young superhero who wears a hood.

“I thought maybe lightning would shoot out of his forehead but he just got older which isn’t a power. In fact, ageing is the opposite of a superpower.

“My one-word review? Shit.”

Hayes is also unable to process older non-superhero films: “I saw The Great Escape the other day, and none of the characters turned into a superhero to fight the Nazis, which was the most obvious plan.

“I was expecting someone to rip the prison gates off like Magneto in X-Men, but they all just stood there talking.

“In the end they escape by digging, it’s like a two-hour version of Gardener’s World.”