Your astrological week ahead with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Take some time this weekend to go for a walk and be alone with your thoughts. Both of them.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
As a kid you couldn’t concentrate on your comics due to your 2000ADHD.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You have little room to criticise your wife’s bingo wings, given your pendulous betting shop chops.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
As you catch yourself putting the heating on for the first time since March, there’s a slight popping noise as the last vestiges of your youth leaves your body.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
St Vitus cathedral, the Lobkowicz Place, the Kafka museum – just some of Prague’s cultural sites that you pissed on during your stag trip.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
They say a leopard never changes its spots but armed with a pot of black paint, you’re going to break into Chester Zoo and give it a hand.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your main problem in life is that you are easily distracted, and this w-you’re not even reading this, are you?

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Still no news from Radio 4 about your Thought For The Day in which you decide what order you’d have sex with Little Mix.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Why not find out where Jeremy Clarkson lives and replace the number plate on his car with one that says ‘P45’?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
There’s a moment in everyone’s life where they have the opportunity to grasp an opportunity that will change their life for the better forever. On Thursday, you will realise yours was six months ago.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your application to the Elite Singles website is turned down when you try to pay the registration fee in Nectar points.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’re watching horoscopes+1. Still mostly wanking and chips for you.

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People who claim to have watched Twin Peaks mostly lying

MOST people claiming to have seen the original Twin Peaks series are not telling the truth, it has emerged.

“Oh yeah…him”

Following the announcement of a new series, television aficionados are bullshitting about having seen the first one when they were about four years old.

Web designer Roy Hobbs said: “I was bang into it. It’s weird, dark and there’s a dwarf in it.

“My favourite episode? Well…that’d be, probably, ‘Dwarf’.”

He added: “Clearly I am being dishonest, sorry I didn’t think we’d go into specifics.

“Now I feel ashamed.”

Plasterer Norman Steele lied about having seen the original Twin Peaks when asked by friends in the pub.

“My mate’s mate asked me if I had seen it and I just thought ‘You know what? I can get away with saying ‘Yes’ here’. So, I did.

“And I don’t think anyone noticed. I quickly changed the subject to Blue Velvet which I have seen.”

Twin Peaks creator David Lynch said: “This is going to be bigger than Breaking Bad, at least until about halfway through season one when it gets too confusing and everyone loses interest.”