Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Some people believe you can make an ocean out of cocks but that’s just a phallus-sea.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
In the 90s you accidentally volunteered for Kriss Kross rather than the Red Cross and spent 3 months walking around the Sudan with your jeans on backwards.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’ve left it so long to get your hair cut this Friday that he will have to throw his leg over your shoulder like a sheep farmer.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Like Meghan Trainor, you’re all about that Bass. Not many pubs serve it these days, though.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Trouble at work this week as you admit to HR that your claims of a lengthy illness were not largely made-up but were ‘based on a true story’.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The recent victories for UKIP have really given David Cameron a bloody nose but not as much as a sledgehammer across the mush would.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
No news from the Italian government about your suggestion for renaming one of their Strada Erica.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This Saturday you have a fight in the lift of The Shard. Things escalate quickly.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Everyone has a Revel they hate the most. For some it’s the coffee one, for others the orange. Yours is the Craig Horwood one.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
The downside to your superfast 4G signal is the imperceptible time between hitting ‘refresh’ and seeing that nobody has emailed, Facebooked or Tweeted you.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Zoroastrians have 101 names for God, roughly eight less than you have for your genitals.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Next week, Russell Brand will write this horoscope. Using the word ‘narrative’, no doubt.