Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Some people believe you can make an ocean out of cocks but that’s just a phallus-sea.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
In the 90s you accidentally volunteered for Kriss Kross rather than the Red Cross and spent 3 months walking around the Sudan with your jeans on backwards.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’ve left it so long to get your hair cut this Friday that he will have to throw his leg over your shoulder like a sheep farmer.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Like Meghan Trainor, you’re all about that Bass. Not many pubs serve it these days, though.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Trouble at work this week as you admit to HR that your claims of a lengthy illness were not largely made-up but were ‘based on a true story’.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The recent victories for UKIP have really given David Cameron a bloody nose but not as much as a sledgehammer across the mush would.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
No news from the Italian government about your suggestion for renaming one of their Strada “Erica”.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This Saturday you have a fight in the lift of The Shard. Things escalate quickly.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Everyone has a Revel they hate the most. For some it’s the coffee one, for others the orange. Yours is the Craig Horwood one.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
The downside to your superfast 4G signal is the imperceptible time between hitting ‘refresh’ and seeing that nobody has emailed, Facebooked or Tweeted you.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Zoroastrians have 101 names for God, roughly eight less than you have for your genitals.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Next week, Russell Brand will write this horoscope. Using the word ‘narrative’, no doubt.

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Older workers to get nostalgia breaks

WORKERS over 45 are to be given daily breaks to lose themselves in vivid recollections of the past.

Rewinding the VHS of the mind

It is hoped the new legislation will stop middle-aged workers falling into unproductive reveries, and give them something to look forward to other than death.

A CBI spokesman said: “More than 450,000 working hours a year are lost to the jowled among us reminiscing about everything from their first kiss to the original series of Red Dwarf.

“Worse, once the wavy lines have faded, they often feel compelled to share information on diverse and dull topics such as Pyramints, how many sparrows there used to be and when drink driving was fine.”

Communal office areas will be provided with tubs of retro sweets, music from acts like Lieutenant Pigeon and the Vengaboys, and a TV showing old adverts for Hovis bread, Sugar Puffs and Blackcurrant Tango.

Tom Logan of Sheffield said: “These old crocks are always spinning back to an era of flock wallpaper and outdoor toilets and if you’re not careful you can be dragged in with them.

“Last week Sharon from payroll went under and I got trapped in her intense memory of sex with a stranger under Blackpool Pier.

“It carried on for ages. I went in the arcade.”