Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
PrrRRcooOo. RRrooOO. CooOO. There, Prince. THAT is what it sounds like when the doves cry.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week you realise you’ve got your TV on too loud when Graham Norton opens the central locking on your car.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
It’s nearly Halloween, a time for parents to dress their kids up as pop culture references the kid couldn’t care less about.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The atmosphere becomes frosty at your colleague’s retirement do when you start clinging to their leg and beg them to take you with them.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You love old movies, like The Godfather III. Which is why you’re going to spend the rest of your life alone.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Use your free time this weekend to catch up with some long lost friends. It should only take an hour or so for you to remember why you stopped having anything to do with them.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
On a cold autumn night there’s nothing nicer than curling up on the sofa with a good book. So why spoil things by trying to actually read it?

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You’ve been a fan of The Saturdays for years so it comes as a surprise on Monday when you learn that they apparently release pop songs.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The staff at the local nursing home are so friendly and helpful – as soon as a new patient comes in with a few bob they’re on the phone to tell you straight away and leave the back door open.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
The decision to have plastic surgery is an entirely personal one and nobody should feel pressured into it but if you don’t want those coke dealers you owe 100 large to recognise you, I’d seriously consider it.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Today, why not comment on how awful a 45-year-old actress looks while sat at your computer with toast crumbs round your mouth and hair like dumped sofa?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Due to celestial problems this horoscope will now depart from Aries.

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New car as generic as you are

A NEW model of car is as unremarkable as your personality, according to its makers.

CAR001 is a four-door car with the features you would expect from a vehicle that is entirely adequate and sticks to the rules.

A spokesman for Car said: “Everyone is the same really and this car reflects that. It conforms.”

“However it is entirely suitable for driving back and forth to work, and to the shops at weekends. Also it has a stereo, for playing whatever music is popular at the time.

“If you did something crazy and spontaneous with it, like driving it down a load of steps in Italy, it would break. But then that would be stupid.”

Motorist Tom Logan said: “Can’t they at least put a sticker on the back saying ‘Jazz’ or ‘Le Bonbon’?

“Then it would be rebellious and vivacious.”