Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Taking your acoustic guitar to a party this weekend really draws a crowd as people queue up to watch you being beaten unconscious with it.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This Saturday you’ll be signing books in the city centre branch of Waterstones from midday until they catch you doing it.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your sexual preferences are pretty vanilla. Although ‘Vanilla’ is actually her stripper name.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
The price limit for this year’s secret Santa at work is £5, which should be enough to get four £1 coins and some wrapping paper.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You’re not surprised seals are having sex with penguins. They’re really easy to pick up.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
After several complaints about workplace bullying you finally decide to wear a ski mask the next time you do it.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Frustration on Thursday after waiting ten days for a GP appointment when, in the waiting room, a chair-rattling fart rids you of your symptoms.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You considered yourself immune to religious propaganda but you definitely think Protestants are dicks because of Vicar Of Dibley.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
After turning up at work at 10 30am on Monday you have some questions to answer, the first of which being “Weren’t you fired last month?”

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Disappointing news that inflation is up. Treating yourself to that Snickers bar will have to wait until the economy stabilises.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
The toilets in your local have a sign saying “Please leave these facilities as you’d expect to find them’ and it’s frankly exhausting pissing all over the floor each time.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This is not a tax receipt. Obviously.

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Businesses warn fines for bad reviews will almost certainly catch on

BUSINESSES have warned they will be forced to start fining customers who complain.

Chief executives stressed that red tape and rising overheads mean that you will have to like their products and services or it will cost you another £100.

A spokesman for the CBI said: “In the face of adversity, business leaders have built their corporations using nothing but zero hours contracts, tax loopholes and large political donations.

“All that is in jeopardy if ‘customers’ are allowed to just mouth off whenever they feel like it.”

The spokesman added: “It’s not a fine, it’s an inverted refund.”

A spokesman for Tesco said: “Because of the very challenging business landscape, we are going to have to fine people who shop anywhere else.

“You will get used to the drone following you everywhere you go.”