Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Taking your acoustic guitar to a party this weekend really draws a crowd as people queue up to watch you being beaten unconscious with it.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This Saturday you’ll be signing books in the city centre branch of Waterstones from midday until they catch you doing it.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your sexual preferences are pretty vanilla. Although ‘Vanilla’ is actually her stripper name.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
The price limit for this year’s secret Santa at work is £5, which should be enough to get four £1 coins and some wrapping paper.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You’re not surprised seals are having sex with penguins. They’re really easy to pick up.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
After several complaints about workplace bullying you finally decide to wear a ski mask the next time you do it.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Frustration on Thursday after waiting ten days for a GP appointment when, in the waiting room, a chair-rattling fart rids you of your symptoms.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You considered yourself immune to religious propaganda but you definitely think Protestants are dicks because of Vicar Of Dibley.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
After turning up at work at 10 30am on Monday you have some questions to answer, the first of which being “Weren’t you fired last month?”

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Disappointing news that inflation is up. Treating yourself to that Snickers bar will have to wait until the economy stabilises.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
The toilets in your local have a sign saying “Please leave these facilities as you’d expect to find them’ and it’s frankly exhausting pissing all over the floor each time.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This is not a tax receipt. Obviously.