Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
On Saturday you will shit out a paper hat, some cheese and pineapple, and a load of bunting. Party pooper.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week you will create a game ad that says ‘Not actual game footage’ showing three dozen hamsters dressed as Bono having sex with a sleeping horse.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You can tell if somebody likes butter by putting a buttercup under their chin but you’re no longer allowed to see if people like the moon.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your monthly appraisal goes badly when your manager uses the expression ‘piss-poor would be an insult both to urine and poverty’.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
The trendiness of your new Knightmare hat compensates for how it limits your movement to side-steps.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
After putting your blow-up mattress back in the nylon bag it came in, this Friday you go on to squeeze a dining table into a ketchup bottle.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your marriage is strained next week after you admit that during sex you think about whether the Commodore 64’s superior hardware won out over the ZX Spectrum’s better games.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Bad news on Monday as your temp agency for filing clerks goes into administration.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Why not respond to somebody questioning your commitment to a global revolution by calling them a stinky poo-poo head?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Walking across the plains toward the Himalayan mountains for your 25 years in solitude, your few scraps of possessions in a knapsack, your cheeks burn with shame one last time at your tweet that had a typo in it.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This weekend you don’t so much put up your Christmas decorations as dust the ones you left up there from last year.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
What’s got eight legs and wears glasses? A goldfish. Apart from the legs and the glasses.