Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
On Saturday you will shit out a paper hat, some cheese and pineapple, and a load of bunting. Party pooper.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week you will create a game ad that says ‘Not actual game footage’ showing three dozen hamsters dressed as Bono having sex with a sleeping horse.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You can tell if somebody likes butter by putting a buttercup under their chin but you’re no longer allowed to see if people like the moon.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your monthly appraisal goes badly when your manager uses the expression ‘piss-poor would be an insult both to urine and poverty’.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
The trendiness of your new Knightmare hat compensates for how it limits your movement to side-steps.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
After putting your blow-up mattress back in the nylon bag it came in, this Friday you go on to squeeze a dining table into a ketchup bottle.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your marriage is strained next week after you admit that during sex you think about whether the Commodore 64’s superior hardware won out over the ZX Spectrum’s better games.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Bad news on Monday as your temp agency for filing clerks goes into administration.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Why not respond to somebody questioning your commitment to a global revolution by calling them a stinky poo-poo head?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Walking across the plains toward the Himalayan mountains for your 25 years in solitude, your few scraps of possessions in a knapsack, your cheeks burn with shame one last time at your tweet that had a typo in it.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This weekend you don’t so much put up your Christmas decorations as dust the ones you left up there from last year.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
What’s got eight legs and wears glasses? A goldfish. Apart from the legs and the glasses.

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'Best of 2014' lists designed to make you feel thick

LISTS of the best cultural things of the year are deliberately composed to make you feel stupid, their creators have admitted.

Doesn’t know what ‘post-punk’ is

The lists, currently appearing in subtly different forms in every publication, are carefully calibrated to humiliate you for your ignorant choices in 2014.

Guardian writer Eleanor Shaw said: “For films, the rule is that it can’t contain any explosions.

“In music it’s all about rubbing your nose in your own ignorance, so the writer casually assumes you know all about Xiu Xiu’s change of line-up and label while you’re still trying to work out what they are.

“It’s difficult with books, because nobody reads those anyway, but even the diehard intellectuals can be alienated by recommending the third volume of a five-volume Truman Capote biography.

“Making a large, varied audience all feel like uninformed halfwits isn’t easy, but it’s one of the most satisfying parts of the job.”

Stephen Malley of Winchester said: “My best album of 2014 is that Blurred Lines, but when I looked in the newspapers I found out that it wasn’t an album, that it didn’t come out this year and it’s shit.

“That made me feel small.”