Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your ‘proactive street-based pharmaceutical venture’ is actually just mugging people for smack money, isn’t it?
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you discover that Cab Calloway’s career was ended by the arrival of Uber Calloway.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If the Christmas break taught you anything, it’s that all butter is brandy butter if you drink heavily enough while making toast.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your favourite drinking game is the Downton Abbey drinking game. How it works is you get shitfaced while watching something else.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
After ruining 144 orchestras in a row, you are finally fired for gross misconduct.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’re limiting your junk food intake at the moment to one bag of crisps a week, as you like to call a 10kg sack of potatoes.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You want to help your kid with their GCSE homework, so you use all your experience of when you were at school by flinging it onto a bus shelter and laughing at them when they start crying.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
No, Sin City isn’t the Spanish version of Countryfile, actually.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Why not mix up your look this month by dyeing your hair, or buying a new outfit or pulling out that bit of spinach from between your teeth that’s been there since November?
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You’re still undecided how you’re going to vote in this year’s general election but you’ll probably stick with your loyalty to not bothering.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
There’s nothing more frustrating than getting to a restaurant only to find they’ve no record of your table reservation and you end up eating your McRib stood up by the toilets
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
I know you’re all about that bass but you’re more likely to catch carp in commercial fisheries.