Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your ‘proactive street-based pharmaceutical venture’ is actually just mugging people for smack money, isn’t it?

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you discover that Cab Calloway’s career was ended by the arrival of Uber Calloway.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If the Christmas break taught you anything, it’s that all butter is brandy butter if you drink heavily enough while making toast.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your favourite drinking game is the Downton Abbey drinking game. How it works is you get shitfaced while watching something else.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
After ruining 144 orchestras in a row, you are finally fired for gross misconduct.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’re limiting your junk food intake at the moment to one bag of crisps a week, as you like to call a 10kg sack of potatoes.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You want to help your kid with their GCSE homework, so you use all your experience of when you were at school by flinging it onto a bus shelter and laughing at them when they start crying.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
No, Sin City isn’t the Spanish version of Countryfile, actually.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Why not mix up your look this month by dyeing your hair, or buying a new outfit or pulling out that bit of spinach from between your teeth that’s been there since November?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You’re still undecided how you’re going to vote in this year’s general election but you’ll probably stick with your loyalty to not bothering.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
There’s nothing more frustrating than getting to a restaurant only to find they’ve no record of your table reservation and you end up eating your McRib stood up by the toilets

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
I know you’re all about that bass but you’re more likely to catch carp in commercial fisheries.

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Loyalty card holders ‘must show total loyalty’

ALL loyalty card holders must show complete obedience, supermarkets have announced.

Nothing comes for free

Cardholders must renounce all other supermarkets and be prepared to unquestioningly follow orders from their favourite chain even if it means killing their relatives.

Sainsbury’s executive Nikki Hollis said: “Customers will have to prove their loyalty in a variety of ways, for example by buying a whole shelf of pastries or pistol-whipping an undeserving fellow shopper.

“Alternatively we might order them to work on the tills if we’re short-staffed, or to firebomb Aldi.

“Refusal will result in them losing all their Nectar points and being sent to a Sainsbury’s ‘re-education’ camp.”

A Waitrose spokesman said: “We’re on the lookout for signs of disloyalty to Waitrose, such as a Tesco Clubcard in someone’s purse or a casual reference to how cheap Lidl is.

“Their right to free tea and coffee will immediately be rescinded, with repeat offenders receiving a visit from a gang of hired thugs in an Ocado van.”

Shopper Tom Logan said: “The staff in Morrisons started screaming and punching me when they saw my re-usable Co-op bag, but with a qualified in-store fishmonger who’s going to complain?

“Also I’ve heard that if all the supermarkets disown you, you have to live on Happy Shopper products.”